Unspoken Lullaby
by AllyInWonderland
Summary: The perfect Illusion, the painfully unperfect reality, What happens when Alexz's 'so called' perfect life shatters into a million pieces? What happens when what everyone thought was perfect was never perfect at all? Tim/Alexz Alexz/other
1. Chapter 1: Out Of MY Skin

Unspoken Lullaby

Chapter One: Out Of My Skin

"C'mon pick up!" Alexz said frustrated as she paced her kitchen. Why was his number was the only one she could think of when she had a issue to deal with. Her hands were shaking, she felt dizzy, definitely out of sorts. "He's probably asleep you moron!" Alexz said hitting the end button on her cordless phone. Why would she expect him to save her? It's not like he was her night and shining armour right? She let herself fall into the chair in the living room, putting her head into her hands. She felt pathetic, she couldn't deal with this herself, maybe she just wasn't strong enough. It was late why would she even expect anyone to be awake.

She shook her head, standing and beginning to pace her sitting room. It was 2 AM and it seemed that this was becoming a regular thing to do. Pace the sitting room while everyone else she loved slept. She was so tired sometimes, all she wanted to do was sleep, but with everything going on, she couldn't get herself to slow down enough to sleep, and even when she did, she feared the phone might finally ring and she wouldn't be awake to take the call. She didn't want anyone taking her calls for her.

She moved quietly through her room finding a sweater to hide herself in, and back into the living room, where she curled up in the corner of the chesterfield, pulling her legs up to her chest, and wrapping her arms around them tightly. She set the phone next to her, but ready to grab at any second, and she let herself cry, more than cry, she rocked and sobbed for what seemed like ages. It was over for now why did she always have to fall apart.

It was like tears came with timer. They always knew to start after, and never before, which is what irked her most. Why couldn't they have come with she needed them to?

She wanted to kick herself for asking herself that question too. She never cried when she needed to because she was told that crying was wrong. It was weak, stupid, it wasn't worth the time. She'd come to know not to cry like she knew so many other things. Like how she knew to call him after something had happened. She feared the day that he would realize just exactly what was going on. She didn't want to be the one breaking up fist fights and screaming matches. That was it. She wasn't going to say anything anymore.

She jumped almost out of her skin when her phone actually rang, she grabbed it up quickly looking at it like it had a life of its own, and the tears started all over again, how could she explain why she was even such a mess, maybe he'd think she was losing it an walk away just like everyone else had.

Her hand shook as she made herself press talk, holding the phone up to her ear. She prayed no one else had heard it as she gave a shaky hello. She closed her eyes and let out a soft breath, feeling so comforted by his voice alone. Something about it, no matter what the time, no matter what had happened during that day, he could always make her feel better just by making sure she was okay.

"Spence is everything okay?" She heard him ask but sobs enveloped her once again. She couldn't even form words, she wasn't sure why, but suddenly it made her feel so weak, she wished, she could just reach out, do something, show something to tell someone, anyone, that someone might see between the lines of what she couldn't say to them, and now her thin line of hope seemed like it tethered more by the day.

"I'm...sorry," she managed to cry softly between body-wracking sobs. She hated looking this weak in front of people, especially him. It didn't matter how many times she'd turned to him, she always felt like she was asking too much of someone she lov- Someone she cared for. She always felt lesser to everyone else because she was such a chicken.

"There's no need to be sorry, girl. I was just closing up the Garde downstairs. I'm sorry I missed your call," his voice came softly through the phone, as if there were someone else there with him. Oh great, another thing to make her feel worse. She was interrupting his time with someone else.

She forced herself to breathe for a second. "I'm s-sorry I shouldn't have bothered you so late, I'll just umm, let you go, sorry," She spoke with an unsteady voice. "I didn't mean to intrude...I just wanted to hear someone's voice other than my own. I'm so stupid, don't listen to me." She stammered. Her fingers felt numb, now, and her arms tingled and ached. She wondered sometimes if she would just stop breathing. She longed to just call her mom, but she didn't need her around anymore, she had a perfect life now right? She no longer wanted her around, she ached sometimes to just go there, and fall into her mothers arms and tell her everything but it wouldn't matter would it. She wished she could pour these words from her mouth, but it was like the moment the thought flashed she went mute, almost frozen.

Tims voice soon filled her ears, asking her not to, saying he was honestly concerned, that it wasn't a problem that she'd called. So many excuses to keep her from dropping the call, but it was as if her brain had trailed off to another place or time. "We can talk about anything. It doesn't have to be what you called for if you're not ready..."

She let out a soft sigh, looking at her surroundings as if she'd just been placed here after being somewhere else. It was different than waking up. It was like coming out of your own brain, but still being awake. She wiped the tears that were still evident on her face and took in a deep breath before letting it out. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't mean to sorry I spaced out or something, what where you saying? I'm really sorry," Alexz cradled the phone between her shoulder and head, and looked down at her shaking hands, he probably thought she was having a mental breakdown, or something equal to it. She tried to focus on the moment, and breathe but something kept pulling her back, into the vicious place she called her subconscious. She inhaled shakily trying to ground herself, but it was like being sucked into a time warp sometimes and she had all she could do to fight it. She had all she could do to hide it.

People around her always asked, but she was always just fine right? Wrong...she had every excuse in the book as lame as they really were. Maybe this is what she really deserved. She was sentenced to hell.

Tim let out a sigh of relief on the phone line and she closed her eyes for a moment praying that he wouldn't ask her what was wrong. She got her wish when he changed the subject to ask her how her day was. Not that that was much better.

"Umm...It was okay. Busy with everything going on, life, ya know." She ran a hand through her hair shakily as she looked around the room, feeling suddenly like she should be moving or outside. Something that didn't have her so grounded here inside. She stood and walked to the door, grabbing her keys off the shelf an walking out of the apartment. She locked the door behind her, beginning to pace the hallway. Anything that didn't keep her so grounded with where she was in her house. It was supposed to be a safe haven, but lately it just felt like a prison.

She moved out of the hall and to the elevator not having the agility to take a ton of stairs, she needed to have air suddenly she felt like she was suffocating, and she couldn't get her breath. His blazer that was usually parked out front was gone, she stumbled past the vacant spot and to the curb she needed to breathe, she felt sick, literally sick, as mental images from the days events assaulted her. She tried her hardest to gain composure, she needed to with him on the phone, but she was failing fast. She held onto her chest her lungs aching for well deserved air, while trying to keep her voice and stomach steady.

"I'm sorry just a minute," she spoke quickly but surprisingly steady as she moved the phone away from her ear, trying to breathe. She didn't want to be sick now. Not when she was trying to have a conversation, and especially not when she was trying to talk to him. She made herself stop thinking about how sick she felt. She needed to think about something else, so that she could separate herself from her current moment in time.

She lifted the phone to her ear again, once again apologizing. "I'm sorry. I um, I'm just sorry." She looked around crossing her arms as she looked out at the open street. It was late and people were rushing up and down the street. She wanted to do that. She wanted to get in her car and just drive. Just so she wouldn't have be standing here. But then she'd probably fidget and not sit still. Damn it, there were just too many emotions at once to be calm.

She knew she couldn't just drive away it would make things worse, as much as she just wanted to forget it all and run, she knew she couldn't she forced herself to sit down on the curb, trying hard not to start sobbing all over again, she felt like she was so far away, she needed something, or someone just to tell her it would be okay, she needed that something that drove her, she felt like she was losing it all.

She made herself talk to him, knowing that doing that would be the only thing to make her feel better. "I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling well...I think I caught the flu from one of my siblings," she spoke softly feeling bad for being so quiet on him.

"I'm sorry," he spoke with a soft reply, honestly feeling bad for her. Something was obviously wrong and here she was sick with the flu. Things never seemed to slow down for her.

"Would you like me to come to Vancouver for a few days," he asked quietly.

She thought for a moment to say yes, but as she rubbed her arms pulling up her sleeves some not able to feel her fingers at this point she was freezing, she saw newly forming bruises and realized she couldn't have him come. He'd see them and then he'd interrogate her. She couldn't have that happen. "No, no. I'll be fine, really. Its okay."

"Listen Al I know something is wrong and I am not going to just sit here and speculate please be there when I get there, Is he away on work?" Alexz nodded not realizing she hadn't spoke then answered barely above a squeak, "Yes, he is for a week," She responded quietly. "He just left tonight why?" Tim moved outside to his car now, more fast paced. "Because I need to know you are okay, and I will not believe that until I can see it for myself, something is wrong you are not telling me, and I need to know, I care about you, you know that..." He trailed off, thinking of her being hurt brought tears to his eyes, and a lump into his throat. "Alexz please..." He knew he'd seen it in her face on her skin, he'd asked a million times. "Okay," she was in tears again, this time barely able to catch her breath, she needed to calm down it would be okay right? He wouldn't tell anyone or force her to do anything she didn't want to do.

"Ally,..." His words came softly, and she jumped, suddenly feeling he was closer than she realized. She spun around and jumped into his arms, trying to keep her tears in check. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, but loosely enough that he wouldn't hurt her. "Mmmm..." He groaned softly, rubbing her back as he set her down.

Tears filled her eyes and she refused to stop them as she clicked the phone off. For once she was crying out of happiness, seeing him there in front of her. It had only been a week since the valentines day party they'd attended, but every time she saw him was like meeting him for the first time all over again. There was always a rush. "You said you were closing the Garde," she said softly as she hit his arm playfully.

He shrugged. "I lied. I'm good at it apparently," he teased softly as he slipped off his jacket, wrapping it around her to keep her from shivering. "I have to get my things out of my car, but why don't you go inside. We'll talk."

Alexz nodded and walked inside and into the elevator blowing on her hands trying to gain feeling in them again. She leaned against the wall feeling dizzy as the it went up, when it finally dinged she had all she could do to drag her exhausted body out of it. She was scared, he was here and he'd know now, there was no way she could hide it, even if he was refreshing as a glass of ice water on a hot summer day, she couldn't let herself love him, she had someone else, she had no choice anymore, her life was mapped out for her, like a life sentence, she felt horrible she knew Tim was only here on friendship it was okay right? What if David found out? Would he hit her more, what would he do? He was away, breathe Al, it's not like you're doing anything wrong.

She reached for her door unlocking it with unsteady hands, she needed to get inside, she felt about ready to fall.

Downstairs, Tim had been gathering his things. Before he headed for the door, he did a double take, as if he had to make sure no one was coming after them. He made his way inside, taking the elevator up to Alexz's apartment. He wanted badly to know what this guy was doing to the girl he'd loved for so long, but at the same time, he was afraid to know for fear that he might want to rip the guy limb from limb.

The elevator dinged and he rubbed his eyes before standing up straight and grabbing his bags off the floor, walking into the hallway. He made his way down the hall to Alexz's apartment. He couldn't help but laugh when he saw her in the kitchen, making a pot of coffee. He set his bags next to the door and walked into the kitchen, shaking his head. "Its 3:30 AM and you're brewing coffee?"

"This ummm, This night is going to be a lot longer than anticipated," She said softly trying to divert her thoughts with shaky hands and busy herself before the inevitable came. She pulled her sleeves down to touch her palms, having a hard time even turning around now. She was nervous and felt sick, at the same time, of course nerves weren't helpful. "Do you want anything?" She asked still not facing him. Her voice betrayed her either from feeling sick, or this lump in her throat she couldn't seem to make go away.

Tim shook his head, walking over to her and taking the coffee cup from her hands. He set it on the counter, ignoring her pouty expression as he reached up, feeling her forehead and flushed cheeks. "Nice fever. Got a thermometer," he asked softly, forcing himself to hold in a yawn. He'd stay up as long as she needed him to.

She shrugged, looking around the room. "Umm...It was on the vanity in the washroom the last time I saw it...like 2 weeks ago." She winced as she yawned herself, having the onset of a sore throat. "Let me see if I can find it," she spoke softy, grabbing her coffee cup with a childish smirk before she walked out of the room. She made her way to the washroom, praying that her stomach wouldn't flip. Something about this room always reminded her just how sick she was when ever she was in it.

Of course this time couldn't be any different, sometimes this room was her solace, more like a lot of the time when David was around, she'd lock herself in and call someone just to hear their voice, and remind herself that she was indeed human. She cursed her thoughts and her body at this moment, when her stomach did indeed turn, more like twist as she remembered some things that happened in this room too recently. She set the thermometer back down trying to gain as much control over her body as much as she could, but nothing seemed to go her way. Her stomach felt like it would jump into her throat any moment.

She let out a whimper, not wanting to be sick, but tears filled her eyes as her chest physically hurt, alerting her that she would be sick soon, whether she wanted to be or not. "No, please God, not now..." She prayed that it would go away and that she wouldn't actually be sick, but her body felt like it was going to turn inside out and destroy her. She moved away from the vanity, dropping in front of the toilet and clenching the sides of it so hard, her fingers turned white. She didn't want to be sick. If only dialectical therapy worked for things like this. That was what she needed. To just forget about how sick she felt.

Tim came into the room, having not seen her come back out of the room before. He frowned when he saw her curled in front of the toilet. He walked over to her, sitting down on the side over the wash basin. "Breathe, sweetie. I'll be okay."

She shook her head, keeping her lips clamped shut. If she spoke, she feared she'd be sick, and that was the last thing she wanted. She had her face so scrunched, she looked beyond angry, but she wasn't at all. She just didn't want to be sick. She'd do anything to not be sick. Anything to not have to throw up.

Tim rubbed her back, moving from the edge of the wash basin to her side, holding her hair away from her face and rubbing her back gently. He was lucky to have a bit of a stronger stomach, even though he hated seeing people he cared about getting sick, especially her. "Just let it out sweetie. Don't fight it. It just makes it worse."

She couldn't help but let out a laugh at the irony of that. Her family members always said that when she was crying 'for no reason', because she could never bring herself to tell them why she was so hurt. She feared that either they wouldn't believe her or that they'd think she were lesser than she actually was because of the the scum ball she'd chosen for a boyfriend. Her twisting stomach brought her back to reality though as she suddenly felt that it would be mere seconds before she threw up. She threw herself over the toilet bowl, clenching her eyes shut to keep the tears away as she heaved, once and then again and again until she'd lost track, breathing heavily when she finally managed to stop.

She felt like she might fall backwards, but Tim caught her, lifting her into his arms. "I think we should get you to bed."

"No! No please! Can we just stay out in the living room? Put me down please I'm sorry," Tears made tracks down her face, she hadn't meant to panic but she couldn't be in her bedroom right now. Tim looked at her worried and set her down sitting onto the chesterfield. Sitting down next to her he leaned to flick on the lamp. Then watched her as she put shaky hands to her face, trying to calm herself down. "I'm sorry Tim, I'm a freaking spazz, I just, well I..." She trailed off swallowing the lump in her throat.

He shook his head, rubbing her hair down. He didn't mean to upset her. "No, Al, its okay. Let me get you a glass of water." He kissed her forehead and walked out of the room to the kitchen. He shut off the coffee maker before grabbing a glass out of the cupboard above the sink. He walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, taking it back to the counter where he'd left the cup and poured some of the water into it before walking back to the sitting room with both the glass and the water bottle. He handed her the glass and uncapped the bottle, taking a sip of water out of it. "Should I gather some blankets and pillows?"

She shrugged, snuggling up to him and closing her eyes sheepishly. He smiled, rubbing her back, but stopped when he saw her wince. "Spence, whats wrong?"

She jumped up, feeling tears in her eyes as she realized what she'd just done. "I'm sorry, I'm fine. I swear, Tim, I'm okay. Its fine, I swear, I just-" She shook her head, looking down at her hands. She clamped them together, wringing them. Anything to not look him in the eye. He'd know for sure she was lying, and her wrist hurt like hell, she hurt everywhere actually and her wrist twisting it the way she was.

He grabbed her one of her arms lightly, using his other hand to lift her chin and make her look at him. "Sweetie, is okay. You can talk to me, whatever it is. I promise its okay."

"This, this I can't, you just don't understand I'm sorry.," Alexz put her head down feeling ashamed of herself. She wasn't sure why, she felt dirty, and worthless, like she didn't even deserve to have him there with her, she turned her head away from him, feeling like she'd never stop crying. It's been so long since she felt okay for real, she was beginning to wonder if happiness was as fake as the faulty smile she plastered on her face every day.

He shook his head, taking her hand into his. He rubbed the back of her hand, simultaneously reaching up to wipe her tears away. "No, Spence. Its okay." He felt her try to pull her hand away from his, and he knew she was trying to keep something from him. Watching her rub he wrist, he knew exactly what it was. His voice wavered as he felt tears pierce his eyes. "Let me see your arm, Spence." He tried to be firm, but his voice faltered.

She shook her head. "No. No its fine. I just, I fell on it earlier. Its fine, really." She stared at her arm still, avoiding his gaze.

He took her hand in his, lifting her chin to make her look at him as he swallowed hard. "Spence. Let, me see, your arm." He tried to be firmer, yet his voice shook even more, threatening a full on crying fit.

She shook her head violently, as if he were asking her to commit treason, but thats how she felt. If she showed him, then he'd know. That couldn't happen.

She shook her head, still trying to fight him. She didn't want to show him. He'd hate her or something. And if he didn't hate her, then he'd want to kill David. She couldn't have that happen. "No, Tim. Please. Just drop it. I can't..."

"Al listen I need to know your okay if you fell maybe you should go get checked?" He tried reasoning with her. Alexz looked up at him sadly, seeing the tears peek into his eyes, She didn't want to hurt him that was the last thing she wanted, she didn't want anyone hurt. That was the point, everything was always going wrong because of her. "I can't it's okay, it's not broken or anything I promise, Alexz moved to fix her sitting position feeling anxious, and shaky, Tim watched as her sleeve moved up slightly he took the chance to move it the rest of the way, tears filling his eyes at what he saw. "Oh god Al, what? Why didn't you... never mind. He did this didn't he?" He asked his voice low, he watched her face as she broke into tears for what seemed like the millionth time tonight. She nodded. "I'm sorry, I don't even deserve you to be here, it's my fault I never listen." She stood up wiping at her eyes.

She walked from the room feeling like he hated her now. She must be awful, she moved into the washroom closing the door behind her, and letting herself slide down it, now she'd ruined everything. David always said that she would be no one without him, she felt like she was nothing with him, what if he was right? she would never be enough. She got what she deserved, love was supposed to hurt right. He was so perfect in the beginning, everyone still says he is, they were the perfect couple, she wasn't so sure anymore. She'd always made him so angry, she could never do anything right, sometimes she just wished everything would disappear...that she would disappear

He stood as well, shaking his head as he walked to the washroom, knocking softly. "Spence, please let me in. I'm not mad at your, and no matter what you believe, this isn't your fault. Please open the door."

Alexz thought for a moment, still feeling horrible. She opened the door and didn't get a chance to speak, as he pulled her into a hug. "You don't need to be sorry, Spence, never. You didn't do anything wrong." He rubbed her back soothingly, breathing in the scent of her hair as he nuzzled his face into the side of her head. "No matter what's going on, I swear to you, you'll never have a reason to doubt someone loves you, girl. I swear. I'll always be here for you ., no matter what.", no matter what."

He could physically feel her shaking as she pulled away, he already knew what was the use in hiding it now, she unzipped her bunny hug and shrugged it off wincing slightly. "I'm sorry," She hung her head feeling ashamed knowing that sooner or later he'd ask to see.

Tim kissed the side of her head and then pulled away from her, not wanting to press her for too much in one night. He checked his watch and yawned, seeing that it said 7AM. The three hour time difference meant it was going on 4, making him beyond tired. "I don't want to press you for anything more tonight. Partially because I'm nut sure I have the energy to react and because I think we should both at least try to get some sleep. What would you say to that?" He smiled genuinely, hoping he'd agree. He wasn't going to be able to sleep until he was sure she was.

Alexz nodded her own body feeling heavy, she wasn't sure she'd actually sleep. Her mind was in a million places at once. Her chest felt tight all over again, at the thought of closing her eyes. The images that constantly replayed bringing her back hours, days, who knew anymore. She's lost count, and probably herself in the process. She wasn't sure where to pick the pieces of herself up from anymore.

Her family hated her, because David made them believe she wanted nothing to do with them, when that was the farthest thing from the truth, she needed them more than ever, and because of him they simply walked away, She'd spend what time with them she could, but it didn't matter anymore. They didn't care. Couldn't they see how badly she needed them, couldn't they tell how much she hurt, why couldn't they see what he was doing to her, or did they just not want to. She felt another piece of her heart break at the thought. Another piece of her fell away.

She hated the time when she closes her eyes, everything played like a movie real, tearing at her heart, and breaking her soul, they didn't care did they, she wanted them to. Was she really broken and alone? Was she really just not important to them anymore?

She remembered a couple days before Davids mom had told her, her family was worthless and she didn't need to be around them, who the hell did this woman think she was telling her how to live? telling her how she was supposed to act, telling her that she was nothing but a sinner, and that this was her fault? Who was she to think she knew what she felt inside, what she was supposed to do as a person, and that she was to obey her son, because that was the way the bible had said...

Alexz bit her lip her thoughts running away with her, she felt angry with his mom, intimidated by her, and in the same moment, she thought maybe she was right.

Tim laid down next to her after having changed and looked over at her sheepishly. No way he'd leave her alone in this condition. He was trying to keep himself awake for her, but his eyes were heavy from lack of sleep, and he could see she was deep in thought, though he feared that it wasn't something beneficial. He reached up, rubbing her cheek softly, often like Tommy might on Instant Star. Sadly reality was nothing like their hit TV show. "Something I can get you, Al?" He asked sweetly and quietly.

She shook her head, snuggling in close to him. There was no need for words for him to know that she was still upset, but he was willing to do anything for her to make her feel better. "You know I'm here for you, no matter what. I'll always believe you."

She nodded wordlessly, clinging to him with her tiny fists. She didn't want to talk. She just needed for him to hold her for now. Even if she wasn't emotionally or even physically okay, having him there made her feel better even in the slightest.

She found herself asleep quickly despite what the day had brought to her, she hadn't expected to even fall asleep but the flu, on top of exhaustion was not her friend. She even tried not to fall asleep but it happened, in a few hours it would be light out, and she would have to face the day again.


	2. Chapter 2: No Room For Release

Chapter 2: No Room For Release

Her skin was crawling she had to move, Alexz opened her eyes and shot up from her place next to Tim quickly unsure of how she'd gotten into her room, and completely unaware that Tim was even here at the moment, she found herself in the kitchen eyes darking everywhere for signs of him, her chest felt like it was caving in, she was full on panicked, her heart pounding almost out of her chest, She tried to rationalize with herself that it was only a dream, "It was a dream you'll be okay, he's not here, hes not here." She chanted as the days events come flooding back to her. She let her back hit the wall where she slid down it, her knees coming to her chest, her face in her hands, it was hopeless and she sobbed, her body shaking, she felt like she was disconnected from her own body sometimes. Like her life has a benevolent essence all on it's own, and it would consume her whole.

She felt so broken, so full and empty, she wanted to crawl right out of her own body sometimes, and find solace in a place no one knew. Her tears became silent, making constant paths down her cheeks, the darkness and shadows of pre-dawn consumed her small figure, no light shed, she'd seek refuge in the darkness sometimes, and others it scared the shit out of her, he couldn't see her, she couldn't see him coming, and it terrified her, sometimes she'd think she was going insane as her brain played out these situations, only known to her and one other. He'd always found her even in the dark, but the darkness made it harder, and hid her tears. Sleep was something she'd only dream of closing her eyes for a second. Trying not to remember the feel his hands over her mouth, pushing her down, holding her with bruising tightness, she'd scream but no one would hear, She'd fight him, kick and slap and cry, but love hurts, love hurts, love hurts, he'd tell her that over and over. Sometimes she'd wondered if it got burned onto her soul. She was never strong enough to get away, he took her, screaming inside her head, get away from this mess!...She inhaled sharply trying to breath through her tears. It was almost like she could feel him even while he was away, her skin would prickle and sting. She never got the chance to fight, sometimes she'd want to just give in.

When she felt like she could stand again, she used the wall for support and made her way into the bathroom, she flicked on the light determined, she moved to the top drawer of the vanity, grabbing a familiar object wrapped in a blue washcloth. She sat down in the chair she'd stationed next to the window, her emotions such a mix she wasn't sure what to do with them. She pulled up the leg of her pyjama pants, and ran the blade shakily over her already aching skin, the effectiveness caused her to gasp. What was it that she couldn't do anything right? She needed a release any type of release at this point, and this was all she knew to do at the moment, like many other moments before this. Tears stained her face, her expression twisted into one of pain and one of some sort of relief. She stood up grabbing for a washcloth and wet it under cold tap pressing it to her leg, having just remembered, how could she not remember?! That Tim was in the house with her, what if he caught her doing this? He'd walk away saying she was a mental case, and she deserved everything she got coming to her, or he'd think she needed to be institutionalized.

She pushed down on her leg with her palm trying not to look at the blood. It always made her queasy, and dizzy. She wasn't sure why she did such stupid things, she felt so lost, she closed her eyes tightly cursing herself for giving into this again. She was so stupid!

She tried to remember where she'd left the gauze and neosporin. Yeah, that was what she needed. She needed to get her leg wrapped up before Tim realized she wasn't asleep, and he found her in the washroom. She could second guess herself and remember that because he was so short on sleep that he probably wouldn't wake up, but she was sure where there was a will, there was a way, and fate was always against her, so why not now as well? Hell, David had caught her before, and when he did, he'd used it against her, making her regret ever touching the blade; One would think a sane person would take that as a 'lesson' to stop harming themselves, but how could that be considered a lesson when it was just more torture. And on top of that, she was far from sane.

Time and time again she referred to herself as a mental case to her friends, though they always took it as a joke. Sometimes she actually believed it. What kind of person would get into this situation and not ask for help? It'd been four long years and she'd never told anyone. Not before tonight. She'd always kept it to herself for fear that someone wouldn't believe her or they'd have her locked up and say she was psychotic, going mental in the head.

She simultaneously stood, holding her leg and hopped to the cabinet, searching for a moment before she found the gauze and the neosporin. She tossed both over onto the vanity and then reached back, grabbing the medical tape before she hopped back to the toilet and sat down, resting her leg on the side of the bathtub.

She grimaced as she removed the washcloth from her leg, trying not to dwell on the cuts or the blood as she rinsed off the cloth in the sink. She squeezed it out a little so she wouldn't drip on the floor, and then moved it back to her leg, wiping up as much of the dried blood as she could before she reached up and grabbed the neosporin and gauze. She put the neosporin onto the gauze and then placed it on her leg, putting a few layers on before she grabbed the medical tape and strapped it down so that her leg would be properly covered. She pulled her pajama leg back down and cleaned up her mess before putting the medical supplies back and trying to get the blood out of the washcloth. She did her best to do so before she threw it into the clothes hamper.

She thought of the first time she'd ever done something like this, her mom had caught her and of course she didn't learn, it was her way of dealing with the heart twisting ache she had in her chest called emotional pain, sometimes she felt like someone was physically taking their hands and twisting her heart, like she couldn't breath past the pain that enclosed her. She'd tried to detach herself so many times over and over, but it always came back, the horror of his rough touch against her as she tried to push away, shed sob, it hurt more emotionally than physically she guessed, although physical scars were apparent, as well as the bruises she'd sported more routinely lately. Things had progressed actually worsened by this point, and now she was helpless against his game.

She moved against the wall feeling breathless as the memory of the days events assaulted her once again. His hands on her throat, the feeling of doom, her thoughts racing in the moment where she was stuck. "Please! I'm sorry!, I didn't mean it!" She pleaded with him, as he slapped her once and again, then pinned her to the floor, pushing her wrists down so she couldn't move them, She twisted them forcefully against him, feeling his chilling breathe against her neck. "No please! Stop David you're hurting me," She heard. her own voice ring in her ears. Maybe she was insane...He hadn't listened to her pleading, only took it upon himself to do what he pleased with her, like a rag doll to him, he'd said she deserved it, and love hurts, thats why he hurt her, love was supposed to hurt. He held her firmly to the floor pulling her pants down with a rough yank. She kicked her feet against him. "David stop I don't want to do this! Stop!," "Stop being a baby Alexz you know you want it. You want me don't you baby Say you love me," She didn't answer him. "Say you love me dammit!," He slapped her face again this time causing her lip to bleed. She sobbed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you okay! I love you, please stop!" She turned her head to the side seeing her reflection in the glass of her entertainment centre. She squeezed her eyes shut not wanting to see this from a second view. He straddled her legs so she could no longer kick and him, forcing her shirt up while holding both her wrists above her head roughly. Why was she so powerless against him. She tried her hardest to bring herself to another place, a place that was safe inside her head, she could feel him touching her, and she wanted to be sick, she felt violated, foolish, disgusted, and so many incomprehensible emotions that could just not be explained in words. She could feel him all over then inside, she cried out sharply in pain squeezing her eyes shut tightly as possible, as tears already made streaming hot paths down her face.

She had to find some strength. She tried to concentrate but suddenly she couldn't breathe, she couldn't breath his hands were around her throat, and she couldn't breathe, she imagined the worst scenario, she'd never be able to apologize to her family or see them again, she'd never be able to hug them, or kiss the two that meant the world to her, two babies that she'd helped take care of so much that they should be hers, what would their world be without her in it? Two little babies that she'd give the world too, who's world was already shaken and broken so much, she thought that she could be the one to help make that different, they were only babies after all. She let her mind drift feeling dizzy, and just before she gave in, she could breathe again, she felt him move off of her, he must be done, one more time he let her live, would it be different next time?... She moved air into her aching lungs, letting it sting for measure of feeling alive...

Alexz found the world of her secluded bathroom, where she'd been in reality, but her mind took her away, reminding her of what exactly happened that day, she was so lost inside this flashback, she hadn't noticed the helpless tears that made paths down her cheeks, the tight grip she had on the towel she'd had in her hands, and the man in front of her with tears in his eyes, looking all to the world like he was broken.

She stared at him wordlessly, trying to come up with something to say, but there was only one thing she could think of to say. It was the one thing she always said. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She struggled to keep from breaking down again as he pulled her against him, feeling his own body shake against hers from the heart wrenching sobs they both were setting free.

"No, don't you ever be sorry, girl. You never need to be sorry. You've done nothing wrong and no matter what it takes, I'm gonna make you see that one day. I'll make you believe it. I don't know when, but you'll realize it eventually." The promise in his voice was sincere, and he wished he could make it happen with the snap of his fingers. Over the four years he'd known this beautiful, amazing angel, he'd watched her fall time and time again, and all he could do was wish that one day she'd come to him for help; which she had, thank God. He only felt worse, never having lived in this type of situation, but he wanted so badly to help her. He wanted to save her from this hell she was in. The love he held for he was unlike no other. He loved himself less because of his adoration of her. Everything about her from her physical features to her spiritual choices, there was no flaw to her as far as he concerned. She truly was an angel.

Once he managed to contain himself, he lifted her chin to look at him, wanting to be sure she was okay. She seemed to be staring straight ahead and he prayed she wasn't trapped inside another flashback. Just watching her through that last one had been harder than anything he'd ever been through. "Spence, you okay?" He spoke softly, not wanting to scare her if she was.

She nodded wordlessly, still staying close to him. She couldn't talk, or even come up with the words to speak to him. She shifted, moving into his lap, finding it more comfortable than the floor. The heart of this man amazed her time and time again. No matter how far down she seemed to get, he was always there to take her hand and pull he back up, no matter what the cost. He made her feel like for the first time in only God knew how long, that someone actually had her best interest at heart, even if she was too scared to do what he asked of her.

"Spence, can I ask you something?" He spoke softly again, his voice coming with a hint of sheepishness. She smiled slightly. He was so cute with bed head when he was tired. He smiled back at her, glad to see a smile finally grace her face since he'd shown up at her house the day before. "Were you feeling sick before? Is that why you were in here?"

She looked down at her hands, suddenly feeling guilty. She didn't want to lie to him, but she couldn't tell him the truth. That would hurt him, and just her luck, he'd probably get up and walk out on her. Or even better, he'd take her to the hospital and tell them to lock her up; Say that she was mentally incompetent and couldn't handle her own problems.

"Ally? Ally, hunny?" Her head shot up as she realized she hadn't answered him, and he looked beyond confused, even worried.

"I'm sorry. I wandered off in my own head, I guess." She continued to stare as her hands as she spoke to him, feeling too ashamed to actually look him in the eye. It made her feel absolutely horrible knowing that she was lying to him when he'd been nothing but sincere to her for as long as she could remember. She only wished she could return that sincerity, but time and time again she seemed to fuck that up.

"Umm yeah, I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well," She felt horrible lieing to him, she had to lie to him too much, for the sake of her own safety, for the sake of not being able to handle losing someone else because of this mess she'd gotten herself into. Her hands began to shake all over again, hell she felt like her whole body was shaking, she couldn't lose him too. She prayed that he wouldn't find out her truth. It wasn't a complete lie she felt like she's been run over a couple hundred times, and her stomach felt like it had been stripped with a sanding machine, but still churned over and over. Definitely wasn't a complete lie. She looked over at the window watching as the sun finally began to peek through the slats of the shade. She tried to focus on something different but her mind kept retreating back.

Tim sighed, shaking his head. This poor girl had enough to deal with and on top of it all, she had to deal with the flu as well. He shook his head, kissing her temple. "Do you want to stay in here or go back to your bed? I can get you a bucket if you'd prefer?" He spoke softly, assuming that it was likely she might have a headache.

She shrugged. "Sun's coming up. I have to do that whole phone call interview with The N, in a few hours because as far as they know, I have to be at that studio at nine...I wish." She mumbled the last part under her breath. At least when she'd had her record contract, she'd had a place to escape to when she wasn't filming something, and now she was stuck without a record contract and wallowing with her album. She'd been fully prepared to release it this summer, now she was screwed. What else was new.

Tim saw her deep in thought and shook his head, smirking as he stood with her in his arms. She looked at him like he was crazy. "Where do you think you're taking me?"

He shrugged. "Timbucktoo?" He laughed as they entered her bedroom and he set her down on the bed. "You were in my lap. The sun is up. So either I'm going back to sleep or I'm getting dressed. I can do whatever you'd like."

She shook her head at him, ruffling his bed head. "Don't stay awake because I am. You need your sleep. I see those dark circles and bags under your eyes. Sleep."

Alexz stood from the bed once again, trying to find something warmer in her closet she was freezing. She pulled a bunnyhug from the hanger and pulled it over her top half, and moved from the room to make another pot of coffee, before sitting down with her laptop, she knew he needed sleep and she did not want to get in the way of that because she had issues.

She settled comfortably on the chesterfield after plugging in her laptop. She rubbed her hands together to warm them while she waited for everything. The coffee and her computer simultaneously. She settled on the chesterfield as the main screen of her computer loaded up. She typed her password into the box and stood to go to the kitchen while her account loaded up. She got herself a cup of coffee and then walked back to the sitting room, covering up with a blanket on the chesterfield. She grabbed her laptop off the coffee table and loaded up the Internet and her Instant Messenger. Maybe if she was lucky, someone would be up to talk to.

She'd found comfort in just being able to be goofy sometimes or writing until she felt like her fingers would just break. Sometimes it would just feel endless. She had her music, her passion endless but lately it just wasn't enough. She wasn't sure if anything would ever be enough anymore.

She pulled up a blank notepad document, after leaving a status message on her messenger.

She wrote the date onto the document before beginning to write

February 6, 2007

Feeling Invisible

you slung your bag across your shoulder

and began to saunter away

She felt so awfully alone

She wished that She could talk to you

instead of freezing up inside

if only you could try.

why is she invisible to you?

She just wanted you to smile for her.

To show you how much she cared.

Blind in your mind

She tried to let go.

Feeling invisible.

Is she invisible to you?

everyone looks to the sky

but when she looks she can only see the ground.

She tried to love you,

She wanted to embrace you,

hold you over all else.

She can't forget.

She tried to remain.

You couldn't see the tears,

when she cried out to you.

you looked right through her.

as if she meant nothing.

she's invisible to you.

when you said you loved her.

was it true?

If so now.

Why is she such a burden to you.

You never tried,

not even once,

to see the scars deep inside.

Never cared to know how much he hurt her.

She thought you'd be the one to help her heal.

Now she just wants to run away from it all.

But it will just be the same.

Chorus:

She's feeling invisible.

The world can't see.

The feelings deep inside.

She hides.

Thinking maybe you'd be the one.

To help her heal.

Feeling invisible,

like an empty soul,

in an empty room.

She wanted you to know.

But you didn't care to see.

She wanted to love you.

But you pushed her out so many times.

She hurts.

She can't do this alone.

But she is made to.

Because to you.

She feels invisible.

she tried to help you through.

But now she's

Invisible to you.

Hook:

Couldn't you see, maybe just once.

She tried to love you.

She's made mistakes

that will haunt her to the grave.

She's not perfect.

But she tried to be for you.

She's been through so much.

Not many can understand.

So she hid it from the world.

The best that she could.

Trying to hold herself.

Like she thought you would.

2nd hook:

They hold onto illusions

That they believe are true

They look at her and see their own

Illusions, nothing new

when they look right at her

They see with sheltered eyes

They cannot know the things she's felt

So they believe their lies.

She knows you don't really see.

Whatever your eyes find.

Although, she's invisible.

atleast she's not blind.

Chorus:

She's feeling invisible.

The world can't see.

The feelings deep inside.

She hides.

Thinking maybe you'd be the one.

To help her heal.

Feeling invisible,

like an empty soul,

in an empty room.

She wanted you to know.

But you didn't care to see.

She wanted to love you.

But you pushed her out so many times.

She hurts.

She can't do this alone.

But she is made to.

Because to you.

She feels invisible.

she tried to help you through.

But now she's

Invisible to you.

Her music inspires her.

Drawing her feelings from deep inside.

Finding a hint of happiness.

From the melody.

A world where she can stand.

But just because she smiles,

It doesn't mean she's happy.

Her heart is sore.

beating in a different rhythm.

She's feeling invisible.

Hook 1:

Couldn't you see, maybe just once.

She tried to love you.

She's made mistakes

that will haunt her to the grave.

She's not perfect.

But she tried to be for you.

2nd hook:

They hold onto illusions

That they believe are true

They look at her and see their own

Illusions, nothing new

when they look right at her

They see with sheltered eyes

They cannot know the things she's felt

So they believe their lies.

She knows you don't really see.

Whatever your eyes find.

Although, she's invisible.

atleast she's not blind.

Chorus:

She's feeling invisible.

The world can't see.

The feelings deep inside.

She hides.

Thinking maybe you'd be the one.

To help her heal.

Feeling invisible,

like an empty soul,

in an empty room.

She wanted you to know.

But you didn't care to see.

She wanted to love you.

But you pushed her out so many times.

She hurts.

She can't do this alone.

But she is made to.

Because to you.

She feels invisible.

she tried to help you through.

But now she's

Invisible to you.

Chorus: X2

Alexz took a deep breath and saved what she'd written before moving to copyright it, Sometimes she did feel completely invisible to everyone around here, maybe more so her family, and friends, she was so scared to tell them, when all she wanted to do was just that...She wished they could just see...

Lyrics in this chapter belong to me and are copyrighted and protected so they cannot be stolen without penalty. Hope you enjoy.


	3. Chapter 3: The Truth Is Now

Chapter 3: The Truth is now

Alexz hung up the phone finally, her chest hurt from trying to hold in a cough, She wondered how she could hide so many things, not say them and act like everything was so perfect. Well she kind of had to. Not like she'd just go and tell The Seth and The Mary from The N anything like that. A debilitating illness? She laughed. She must have sounded like shit, between a sore throat and crying basically all night last night.

She let out a yawn, stretching even though her body ached. Her sleeves slipped down on her sweater, but she didn't think anything of it until she felt the familiarity of a warm, calloused hand wrapping gently around around one one of her wrists. She winced, yanking her wrist back, probably faster than she should have. "Ow- FUCK!"

Tim came around the side of the chesterfield with a frown on his face, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I just..." He shook his head, completely at an utter loss for words. "Spence, we have to talk about it..."

She nodded, pulling her sleeves down as far as they would go. She didn't want to, but that didn't matter. For once it felt even the tiniest bit, that someone cared to help her and keep her safe. "I know...Its just hard..."

"Tim?" She looked up at him, watching his expression. "Even if I say something, there's nothing that can be done, it doesn't matter anymore..." She hung her head, feeling hopeless once again. She didn't have the courage or the strength to get away from him. She wanted to fix things, he'd said over and over he'd go get help, maybe she would talk to him about it again. She felt her heart break every single time he looked at her with sad eyes, when she'd told him she'd had enough and she wanted to leave. He'd told her she would be nothing without him, then tell her how much he loved her and that he'd die without her. What if that were true? Would he kill himself if she left. Each and every day, when she felt like she was dying inside staying with him. She wasn't like other women, she was too scared, to weak for this, her heart was too sore. It went out to him for all the wrong reasons. She couldn't handle the thought of him killing himself because of her, but in the same breath she feared what he would do to her if she tried to leave, he'd always told her that he would bury her six feet under in his mothers backyard and no one would ever know about it. That panicked her to the core, she'd seen first hand what he was capable of, and she was scared to die, more than anything in the world she feared death.

She let a few tears escape wondering how the hell her tear ducts just didn't dry up by now, her tears seemed endless.

"You keep wandering off in your head, girl. Tell me whats going on in there..." His voice was always so soft, never pressing or angry. He always waited patiently for her to answer him. She wished that she wasn't in this place, this situation. She wanted to be with someone like Tim. Someone who would hold her when she cried, not tell her that she was worthless, nothing. Always telling her she'd never amount to the musical career she dreamed off. She didn't feel like she was loved on the few occasions she would sleep in his arms; rather she felt as if she were under a burning hand, just waiting to make the wrong movement so that he would go off on her. She constantly waited for him to snap and come after her, yelling, smacking, pushing, hitting; Or even worse, when he would go after one of the kids. She hated him clear down to the burn for every time he hurt one of those two kids. She loved them as if they were her own kids, and he seemed dead set on ruining all three of them. Yes, she knew he was wrong for all the things he did to the three of them, but she was far too frightened to run away. He could hurt her bad enough if he wanted to, and as much as he could do that, if he wanted to he could hurt everyone she loved, up to and including Tim and those two kids. No, she couldn't risk it.

More than anything he'd convinced her it was her fault, She'd always made him angry, she'd always stressed him out, or wasn't enough for him. She never could do enough for him, if she was in pain he'd take it anyways, he'd do to her what he wanted, and afterwards it would always be, "Well Al if you'd give it to me more, I wouldn't have to just do that to you, now would I?" Even just eating, if she ate something she was fat to him, and well she had to be perfect right? She couldn't cook good enough, her sleeping was all wrong, she was always wrong about everything. His mom had told her how she needed to learn to do things her sons way, and she felt worthless when she couldn't accomplish these things, that were just unobtainable to anyone. She was always walking on egg shells with David, with his family would she ever, no matter how hard she tried be enough. She never would be would she? So she just had to deal with the fact that everything she did, or said was always wrong.

If she cried she was a baby, she was weak, so she tried her hardest not to cry in front of anyone, and when it happened out of her control she felt weak, worthless, and like a huge baby. They couldn't just accept her for who she was, and they'd convinced her that she was doomed to perish in hell as a sinner, if she didn't do things their way.

"Alexzandra? Ally? Spence!?" Tim shook her, with a light force, not to scare her, but to get her attention. She looked up at him seemingly confused.

"I'm sorry. I guess I wandered off again," she explained. She seemed to be so good at disappearing into her own head, especially when someone asked her questions she really didn't want to answer. It was easier than just staring into space and flat out refusing to talk. She looked up at him, taking in a deep breath. How the hell she was going to get through this was completely unknown to her. "Lets talk, I guess."

Tim nodded, lifting her chin to look at him. He knew this was the last thing she wanted to do, but he feared more than anything that if it went on much longer, she'd end with permanent physical damage or worse. "I know you're scared...but I can't help you if you don't talk to me, and I don't want to lose you. I love you far too much to have that happen."

Alexz's jaw dropped when she heard him say I Love You to her. She knew he cared for her, but she'd never had him say that to her. Not in the sense of being in love like a relationship. She'd been with David for as long as she'd known Tim, and she'd never thought of them in that type of relationship; or at least not that she would admit. "I...wow..."

Alexz was shocked, completely speechless, why would someone love her when all she did was do everything wrong all the time, including her own career, she got dropped from Capitol, she lost her contract, maybe to them she just wasn't good enough either. There was always something. She tried to process how anyone could love her like that, was there something someone wasn't telling her. She used to believe she was strong, but that left when David made sure she knew she wasn't. Or atleast made her believe it.

"I umm, I'm speechless, I mean I'm sorry, I just don't...I" Alexz stammered feeling like a complete idiot, she half expected him to walk out the door at this point.

Tim shook his head at her, reminding himself that she was in a very tough position at the moment and that believing she was good enough for anyone was probably very hard. Being in the position she was in for so long eventually would phase a person to believe that what they were being told was true, no matter how much it wasn't. "Ally, its fine. Don't torture yourself."

She nodded, staring down at her hands. "I'm so so sorry, Tim. You just, you caught me off guard, I cou-..I don't know. I'm sorry."

He shook his head, placing his hand lightly over her mouth. "Girl, its okay. Calm down. You haven't done anything wrong. I just need to watch my words more carefully, I guess."

She shook her head, moving his hand away from her mouth. "I'm still sorry."

He let out a huff, taking her hands into his. He gave her a small smile, moving a bit closer to her. "You, Alexzandra, have no reason to ever be sorry. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Now can we talk?"

She nodded, biting her bottom lip. "Yeah...What'd you want to know?"

He lifted her chin to look at him, though she turned her face away from him when she heard his first question. "I need to know how long this has been going on. How long have you been keeping this inside you?"

Alexz looked down at the floor trying to find her words. "About three years now, I was sixteen when we started dating, after the first year it started getting pretty bad. He was kinda more on the emotional, controlling side before then, really jealous of people, like my friends. He doesn't mind that I work though, I think it's the money." Alexz was shocked that she just blurted this out to him, then she was suddenly scared. She felt sick, and ashamed.

"Oh my lord, girl." Alexz looked up at Tim, hearing his words. She could hear the guilt in his voice, and it made her heart ache. She didn't want him blaming himself, yet no matter what, she knew he would. He cared too much to not feel guilt.

"You can't blame yourself for something you didn't know about, Tim." She tried to take his hand in her own, but he shoo his head, lifting his hand to her cheek and caressing it. She could see tears in his eyes, which only succeeded in bringing tears to her own. "This is why I didn't say anything, don't you see!? I didn't want someone else to think it was their fault, Tim! I didn't want anyone to think that because they didn't know what had happened, they shouldn't have known and they didn't so it was their fault!"

She stood up and began to pace in front of the chesterfield, hating herself. Why did she always have to hate herself? What was the point of being happy or alive if all you did was hate yourself?

Tim stood as well, grabbing her and pulling her into his arms, holding her head to his chest as she cried. "You can't stop what anyone else feels Spence. And yes, I do blame myself. Because I've known you for 3 years. I-" He stopped, backing a few steps away from her. "Wait a minute..."

Alexz stopped looking scared. "What Tim? Tim what did I do?" She felt like she couldn't breathe, she couldn't have messed up already could she? She watched his expression his movements for a sign. Anything that would tell her she hadn't messed up yet again. She wanted to find a hole and crawl in it.

Tim shook his head, holding his hand to his forehead as he paced in front of the window. "Tim please talk to me?! What is it? What'd I do?" Tears ran down her cheeks begging him to tell her what was so wrong.

He shook his head, looking at her. "You lied, but...The bruises. I should have pressed more. I should have known. I should have known something happened. I should have tried to ask you. God, girl I'm so sorry. I should have known." He shook his head as his gaze shot to the floor in guilt. "I should have known..."

Alexz closed the distance between them, making him look at her. "You couldn't have known. I wouldn't tell anyone. No one knew. No one knew, Tim. I couldn't bring myself to tell. I was too scared." Tears began to run down her cheek again, seeing him rip himself apart over this. It killed her to know that she was hurting him this way. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have lied. I don't know...I shouldn't have..."

"It's not your fault..." Alexz let herself sit back onto the chesterfield, feeling like her legs suddenly wouldn't hold her anymore. "I didn't want to hurt anyone, or lose someone else, I couldn't bare the thought of losing someone else. So I keep it to myself, I'm sorry. I'm stupid, I'm so stupid, I ruin everyone and everything." Now where was that hole when she needed it. "My family kind of walked away...I couldn't tell them, they think I'm selfish and that I think I'm too good for them, Thats not truth, it's not, I need them, and I'm just to afraid to say anything. My mom...I mean they are still there, but rightfully not really, kinda like pushing me away, and every time I get close they push me away again, saying how David and his family are just more important to me, and I could have them instead, I needed them, and I needed to know I wasn't going to lose you Tim, I can't..." Her shoulders shook with sobs threatening.

She put her head into her hands, not sure what to do anymore.

He walked back over to her, pulling her into his arms and rocking her slowly and gently. He whispered soothing nothings to her, doing anything and everything he could to calm her down. He hated seeing her upset like this. It absolutely killed him to know she was hurting and all he wanted to do was make it better. "I'm so sorry, girl. I'm so so sorry."

She shook her head, making herself stop crying. She had to keep it together. "No. No. This isn't anybody's fault but my own. I got myself into this position and its up to me to get out of it. It doesn't matter what anyone says or does. I have to do it myself."

Tim shook his head, looking her in the eyes. "No, girl. Thats not true. You don't have to do this alone, and you shouldn't believe that you have to. You don't have to at all, Spence. Not at all."

"It's hard not to believe that. I've been doing it alone for a long time, sometimes I'd just pray and cry, and pray that someone would just see it without me telling them, but thats my fault not anyone else's," Alexz didn't want to make him feel any worse, she felt like she should just shut her mouth. She;d probably just made everything worse by admitting this. Maybe she did deserve to be slapped around a bit.

She jumped hearing the phone ring, it would be fate that it was someone other than David or his mother. Tim moved to pick of the phone and before he could say a word she grabbed it from his hands. "Hello?" She said trying to steady her voice.

She put her finger to her lips telling Tim not to say anything and walked into the kitchen with her phone. "Hey Al, whats going on? I'm surprised your home, I mean with David being gone and all," She heard his mothers voice through the phone, she suddenly felt like her skin was too close. "I umm, nothing...I'm sick, I have the flu," Alexz stammered. "Oh well have you tried eating anything?" His mother asked. She couldn't have been concerned, more like telling her what she had to do. "I...Not yet no, I had a phone interview this morning, and I haven't gotten the chance..."

"Alexz how do you expect to get better if you don't take care of yourself, make some garlic soup, you'll feel better, and what are you doing with phone interviews if your sick, you need to get your priorities in order sometime." Alexz remained silent for a moment, glancing over at Tim. She'd always let this woman get under her skin somehow.

"I know, I'm sorry. It was something I had to do for Instant Star, planned like 2 months ago when they made the premei-" She was cut off by his mother.

"Don't apologize. Get a move on and make yourself some breakfast and rest. Have you been resting? The only thing thats going to help you feel better is rest and fluids." Alexz struggled to hold in a groan, listening to her critique her. "Infact, maybe I should come over to keep an eye on you. You shouldn't be home alone."

Alexz's eyes widened and she shook her head, biting her bottom lip. "No, no that won't be necessary, really. I, I have my, my, my sister here. She's staying a few days. It'll be just fine."

"Are you sure? Your sister should be focused on her studies, not you. Why don't you send her home, and I'll bring some soup over. Lie down, Alexz, really." She kept going on and on and it took everything for her to not roll her eyes, and once again keep herself from groaning. She moved the phone away from her ear as his mother went on and on. After a moment, she brought the phone back to her ear. "Alexz, are you listening to a word I'm saying?"

"Yes, I am. I'll get into bed, but you really don't need to come. I haven't seen my sister in so long. Please we'll be fine. If I need someone, I'll call you back." She held her breath as she awaited the answer, praying that his mother would say yes. She'd die if his mother caught her having Tim there.

She heard Patricia sigh, as she bit her lip. "Okay, but do what your supposed to. Did David call you at all this morning?" Alexz was happy that she'd changed the subject. "Umm No not yet anyways, he's probably pretty busy."

"Alexz is there something you need to tell me? Anything I need to know, You sound like your holding back on something..." Patricia asked. "I...No, It's just well before David left yesterday he did some things, the same thing as last time and it scared me is all, I had a hard time sleeping. I know you said something to him but it only made it worse, he was more angry, He's scaring me..." Alexz admitted, feeling defeated.

"You didn't tell anyone did you Alexz? Because if you did..." "No! Of course not! I'm just shaken up is all..." Alexz interrupted her. "Good, you two need to be at church this weekend. Maybe you should be a little more giving and he wouldn't have to be so pushy Alexz." Alexz began to cry now. "I'm trying but he's not making it easy! Even if I do give, it doesn't matter he just keeps hurting me."

"Oh, now Alexz I doubt that. I know my son. If he's doing something, I'm sure there's a reason." Alexz felt hot tears running down her cheeks. Tim walked into the room, mouthing over and over again for her to just hang up.

"Ally, just give me the phone. Stop torturing yourself." He whispered into her ear soft enough so that it wouldn't be heard, but she insisted not.

"Just a sec," she spoke softly into the phone, only to be yelled at that she had no reason to be crying and that she needed to suck it up because she was the one trying to sell lies. She looked at Tim, choosing her words carefully. "You need to give me a minute and then I'll talk to you when I'm done on the phone."

He shook his head, watching her as she continued to let this woman torture her on the phone. He wanted to grab the phone from her, hang it up and throw it across the room but this wasn't his home and he couldn't make her hang up.

A coughing fit couldn't have hit at a worse time as Patricia started lecturing Alexz that she needed to be nicer. "Stop it. Stop coughing and listen to me. Its you saying crap like that that sets people off. As far as I'm concerned, you're asking for whatever you get for speaking to people like that, especially your elders. You need to learn how to speak to people, Alexzandra." She spoke so cold, Alexz felt tears pouring down her face faster than she could manage them, both from the stinging ache in her throat and from what this woman was saying to her.

She suddenly felt like throwing up, she wasn't sure if it was nerves or the flu either way she didn't want it to happen, she tried to calm herself down and gain control over her tears. Her voice betrayed her. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to... I just...I'm sorry." She tried, she couldn't even form words right. "Thats not how I meant it..." She told her. "Well thats how it came out, your make David look like such a horrible person, why don't you take a look at yourself sometime, your not innocent, what did you do to provoke him Alexz?"

"I n-nothing, I didn't do anything."

"Did you make him something to eat?"

"Yes he was fine with it..."

Alexz swallowed hard trying to keep control. "I Umm, I need to, can you hold on a second?" Alexz moved the phone away for a second so she could cough, crying only making it worse for her now. She felt like such a baby, maybe if she would just shut her mouth about it things wouldn't be so bad.

Tim shook his head, feeling like he was watching someone beat a kitten. He took the phone from her hand, rubbing her back. She reached for it, shaking her head in fear of him hanging it up. He shook his head with the promise that he wouldn't, and instead set it on the counter before helping her to stand up straight. He handed the phone back to her reluctantly and made his way to the sink, getting her a glass of water before handing it to her.

"Thankyou. Oh no- My sister got me a drink of water." Alexz explained as to not confuse Patricia. "I'm sorry, please repeat that?"

"Alexz, really, pay attention! We all have things to do and I don't have the time to be repeating myself over and over again. Really what is wrong with you? when will you learn?!"

She felt like her chest might cave from crying, coughing, and feeling as sick as she did. She hated being treated like this, but according to everyone around her, she deserved it because she didn't give him enough. What was she supposed to do? Maybe if she LIVING and just served to his every want, need and whim, he'd be happy. Of course, she knew even that wouldn't be good enough because when she tried to do that, he told her she was too needy, and around too much. Especially when he wanted to watch TV, or play his play station. She needed to have more of a life, and spend less time away from the house, on her own, But not around other men. He complained she spent too much time on the computer or the phone talking to friends, but when she was around him, he only wanted one thing... It was like she couldn't seem to find the fine line. It was that or he wanted her too much, way to much, it seemed lately thats what it was.

Some days Patricia had given her some hope, she'd said she'd help her sometimes but she never did when it came down to it, she'd sit and cry and feel like her heart was being stomped on and torn to shreds. All she needed sometimes was for someone to care, for someone to hug her, for someone to hold onto her when she cried, and show her she wasn't so alone. She'd thought of Patricia as a mother figure, since her own seemingly was either too drugged up on narcotics to care, or too selfish. All she wanted to do was make her proud of her, make her happy with her. She thought that if she just did everything they wanted, the way they wanted it, they would be happy, she was wrong, they never were she always messed up between the lines somehow someway.

She hadn't realized that she'd let her mind take her away again, until she heard her voice being called through the phone. "I'm sorry I need..." She tried to think of an excuse, her stomach rolled with nausea, at every thought that ran through her head, she needed an excuse to get off the phone, without making her suspect something.

Tim saw the look on her face and moved quickly, walking out of the room. Alexz glared at his retreating figure. Here she was about to be sick and he'd left her there. She rolled her eyes when she heard a beep on the other line, but upon seeing Tim come into the room shaking his phone and mouthing for her to hang up, she gave a soft sigh of relief. "I have to go. I have a beep."

She didn't await an answer, and instead hung up, throwing the phone at him before running for the washroom. Fortunately, he caught it and set it on the hook before taking off after her. He entered the room only to see she'd gotten sick on the front of herself and the floor, with tears running down her face. "I'm sorry, I tried to make it, I try-"

Tim shook his head, walking over to her and kissing her forehead, rather than kissing her. "Go get some clothes to get changed into and I'll get this cleaned up so you can shower."

She nodded and walked out of the room, down the hall to bedroom. She did her best to not get any of it on the floor or on the dresser, making it a bit harder to move around. After she had what she needed, she returned to the washroom. Thankfully, as he had promised, Tim had the floor already cleaned up. "I'm sorry. Thank you so much..."

He nodded, waving his hand to her that it wasn't a big deal. "I'll mop it up after you're done."

She shook he head, not wanting him to feel burdened. "Tim, really you don't have to do it. I'll do it-"

He shook his head at her. "Spence, you need to shower and rest. I'll get you some soup and then mop up the floor and get a shower."

Alexz looked at him and nodded, knowing he didn't mean anything by it, he just cared and wanted her to feel better. She moved to carefully remove her clothes once he left the room as well as the bandage on her leg, and turned the shower on trying not to looking at herself in the mirror before she got inside. She saw there was a bruise formed on her side, and bruises on her hips, her arms and wrists, no wonder she was so sore.

She forced herself to look away and moved to get into the shower feeling mortified why did everything always happen that way. No matter what she did, he was always hurting her more. She could never do anything right.

She made quick work of washing herself, being gentle on the places where she was bruised, and especially on the tender cut on the side of her leg. After she was finished, she stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel off the drying rack. She wrapped it around herself, still avoiding sight with the mirror. She dried herself and then dressed before re-bandaging her leg. She walked out of the washroom, yawing sheepishly as she entered the hallway. As she headed towards her bedroom, she passed Tim wordlessly. She dried her hair with a towel more before pulling a clean bunny hug back on, before climbing back into bed, she pulled the blanket up over her shoulders, and closed her eyes.

She hoped that she would fall asleep and not dream or at least not remember them for now. She needed some peace of mind.

Tim reentered the room, grabbing his bag and setting it on a chair so that he could get something to change into. Her eyes re-openned, watching him. She smiled at him when he looked up at her. He walked towards the door, but stopped when she called his name.

"Is there something I can get you?" His words came softly, but loud enough that she could hear him.

She shook her head, looking down at her hands. "I ah...Just so you know. Its not that I don't care. I do love you...I just don't feel worthy of it."


	4. Chapter 4: Returning To Hell

Chapter 4: Returning To Hell

Alexz moved quickly through out the house, making sure that every room was clean and that Tim hadn't left anything behind. She didn't want David to suspect anything. Ever since he'd left the day before, she'd been on a non-stop cleaning spree, fearing what David might say if he even remotely smelled something that didn't seem normal. She couldn't imagine the day that he would ever find out that Tim had been there, and she prayed he never would.

She did one last run through the house, being sure once again that everything was in place, the bed was made properly, and not a thing was out of place. She'd washed everything the night before so that not even the bedding would smell like Tim. A part of her wished he'd never had to leave. At least with him there, she felt safe. It was scary to think that his arms were the only place she truly felt safe, but she'd never felt more comfortable than when he was laying with her in their- her bed. Her bed. It was her bed, not theirs.

She finally returned to the kitchen, checking the spaghetti that was cooking on the stove. It was one of his favourites, so she knew that as long as she treaded carefully and didn't piss him off, she might be able to get through tonight without too much of a problem.

She jumped quickly having not heard him enter the apartment, and when he grabbed her from behind, she almost dropped the spoon in her hand and shrieked.

"Holy Sh-shit! David you scared me!," She turned to him her face obviously stricken. He pulled her to him, hugging her roughly. "Miss me?" He asked, she nodded slowly. "I umm, have to get the pasta out before it over boils, dinner will be ready s-soon." Alexz stammered.

She turned away form him, trying to hide her tears that betrayed her. She wished she were somewhere else right now. She tried to pretend everything was okay, but she was scared out of her mind, at what he might do tonight. She hoped and prayed he's just watch TV and fall asleep, leaving her to do whatever.

A few minutes later, the water came to a boil and she moved it to a cool burner, checking to make sure the sauce topping was fully cooked before she moved that as well. She moved across the room, grabbing two bowls to pour the spaghetti and sauce into.

After she finished moving everything, she turned around, to nearly bump into him. She tightened her grip on the bowls, rather than losing grip of them. "Dinner's finished. I'm just going to put it on the table now."

"Took you long enough? What the hell did I tell you about having I done before I got here? I specifically told you I wanted it done before I got home. God damn, Alexz, I'm only here for 2 days. Can't you get one thing done right?"

"David common don't start okay, I made the sauce homemade like, you like it, it takes longer, and I've been sick okay, I haven't felt good at all, so just don't start with me tonight." Alexz set the bowls on the table, and picked up the sauce spoon gripping it, so tempted to just throw it at his dumb ass head. She felt herself become angry and had to force herself to calm down, sometimes she had balls and it only got her into trouble when it came to fighting back with him. She forced herself to breathe.

"You're lucky Al, he said sitting down," She held her breath to keep form retorting. What the hell was wrong with her, she needed to keep her lips shut.

She wasn't even hungry, she didn't want to eat, she knew he'd tell her how fat she looked, and how she shouldn't be eating, and then when she didn't she didn't eat enough she could never win. She wasn't in the mood to feel fat tonight, she hated what he made her feel, she would berate herself for the rest of the night, feeling fat and worthless. She'd sometimes not eat for days, even weeks because of it, until once again she got into trouble for "not eating"...

She walked towards the sitting room, only to be stopped by him. "Aren't you going to eat?" He practically ordered her too, but she simply shook her head, continuing to head for the sitting room.

"I asked you a question, Alexz. I expect an answer with words." She could feel his eyes practically burning into her back, threatening an argument or worse. She wished she'd gone back to Toronto with Tim right about now, even though she knew she couldn't. It only would have been a matter of hours before he would have figured out where she was. God forbid he would find out who she was staying with. Then she would have been in major trouble.

She turned around, biting the inside of her cheek. "No, David. I'm not eating. I don't feel well enough to eat right now. Maybe later."

He shook his head at her, turning away. She made her way into her bedroom, hoping someone would call her to distract her, or that she'd hear something about a movie deal. Anything so that she wouldn't have to spend time talking to him.

When she walked back out into the kitchen for some coffee, she realized that he was on the phone with his mom, he looked up at her and slid the bowl of pasta toward her, "Mom said you wont get better unless you eat, so here eat." He said in a more calm voice this time, must not want to be mean in front of mommy, what song of a mom would treat a woman like that. Now it was two against one.

She rolled her eyes, taking the food from him, only to met with a smack to the back of the head. Her free hand flew to the back of her head, wincing. She turned around glaring at him before she walked out of the room, back to her bedroom. She shut the door behind her, setting the food on the nightstand. She walked over to her computer, wanting to escape this house somehow. She figured she'd keep the food in there with her for ten minutes or so and then go dump it down the toilet so she wouldn't have to eat it. David wouldn't know the difference.

She looked over at her cell phone on the nightstand, partially hoping it would ring, but another part of her didn't want it to, for fear that he would come walking in here and say something cruel or ask her who she was talking to, purely so he could either put them down, or tell her that she should be spending time with him on his few days off or that she should come out and eat with him. Of course, he'd only tell her to come out and eat with him if he was still on the phone with his mother. She wouldn't do that because she knew he'd only do it if he was on the phone with his mother, and then the minute he would hang up, he'd be back on treating her like shit.

She shook her head, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. She looked around the room, wanting to crawl deep into a hole.

She didn't look up when David walked into the room, she rather felt him sit next to her and place a hand on her shoulder, "Al?" She didn't look up knowing his concern wouldn't last long, it only meant one thing. She bit her lip trying not to cry.

"Are you feeling that sick, maybe you should lay down?" He asked. "Mom thinks you should eat, so why don't you try, and then we can lay down for a little while?"

The last thing she wanted was a fight with him right now.

The last thing she wanted was a fight with him right now. She let out a huff of air, nodding. She picked up the bowl of spaghetti off the nightstand and took a few bites, trying to eat without feeling the need to spit it back out. Her stomach was already feeling yuck and here she was trying to force food down to satisfy him. She took a few more bites of it before handing to to him feeling tears in her eyes from how badly just swallowing those few bites was making her stomach hurt. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't..."

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she clutched her stomach, praying she wouldn't be sick. She couldn't and she wouldn't be sick right now. Not with him here, and not like this. She didn't want to make him angry or have him say crap about her.

He surprised her when he set The bowl aside, taking her into his arms and rocking her back and fourth. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to force you. Maybe we should just lie down for a while or take a nap."

She stiffened against him, not wanting to but she didn't want to fight with him when she felt sick like this. She couldn't handle it with her stomach twisting as bad as it was.

She took his lead and moved back to lay down, feeling tense. He pulled her to him, and she wanted nothing more than to just escape from her own skin at this very moment. She knew what was coming next. As right as she was his hand grazed her shoulder then pulled her into him closer moving to kiss her.

"David I...I can't I don't feel well just a minute ago you cared about that."

"Alexz you know I care about you, I love you."

She rolled her eyes, this man was so far from love he was on a different planet.

She felt his hands touch her side and she froze instantly.

His hands moved from her sides to her front, grabbing for her breasts. She clenched her eyes shut, praying that if she kept them shut long enough he'd stop touching her and leave. Suddenly she wanted Tim back in her bed. With him at least she could count on him not being grabby towards her. She groaned involuntarily, not even realizing she had until her eyes opened and she saw him hovering over her.

"David, please no. Not right now. I really don't feel good." She closed her eyes tightly, trying to ward off the tears that were threatening to fall.

"C'mon Al. I've been gone for a week, and I'm leaving again tomorrow. I think you owe me something, don't you agree?"

"How do I always owe you this? Couldn't I owe you something else?" She asked feeling her hands start to shake. "I f-feel sick, really sick please!" she breathed trying to push him off of her. "C'mom baby you know you want me," he moved pulling her shirt up to expose her breasts. She felt hot fresh tears sting her eyes, biting her lip as hard as she could. "You love me baby," he said, she didn't respond. She felt him touch her bare skin and was immediately disgusted, and sickened. "David please! Stop!"

"No I know you want me it wont take long I want to touch you."

She felt his hands roaming over her body, from her breasts to her sides before moved towards her belt buckle. She screamed, kicking him hard between the legs, but didn't earn anything but anger in reply. He slammed her arms over her head, gripping them down tight light chains, bounding her so that she couldn't move. "Now listen here, you little whore. You're gonna do what I want, and I don't care if you want to do it or not!! Got it!?"

She hook her head quickly, anything to not get slapped. She was fresh out of cover-up, and she didn't want have to wear big glasses in the middle of the winter just to go get it. She knew in the back of her mind that she shouldn't have do any of this, but she couldn't leave him and risk being found and having him permanently damage her in some way or worse

Yes, she wanted to live a full, happy life, but sometimes she believed that there was a chance that wouldn't happen.

He nodded, moving his hands back down to her jeans as her body began to wrack with sobs. He looked back up at her, wrapping his hand around her throat. "Stop crying you bitch. You know this is what you deserve! I wouldn't have to do this to you if you would just give it to me."

She tried to stop her sobs, but they became faster and louder as he continued to torture her in the worst ways, making her sick to her stomach. She hated him with a passion like no other for doing this to her. For trying to kill her from the inside out.

He moved his hand away and down her body making her skin crawl, she squeezed her eyes shut tightly trying to take herself away. She wished she could reach her cell phone...She felt his mouth on her breast making her cringe from the inside-out and she was almost sure she'd puke.

She wanted to shove him off of her, to push him away, to do anything to get control. She could feel his hands moving into her jeans and it made her feel even worse. She could hear the distant sound of the phone ringing, but she wasn't sure if it was just in her head or if it was actually ringing. She was sure that if he actually cared enough he would have gotten up to answer it if it wasn't just her in her mind, but she wasn't sure. She couldn't stand this. She had to get out she had to get out of this situation somehow.

"Dav- David stop! I'm gonna be sick!!" She pushed him back, trying to get him off of her. She had to get him off. She couldn't handle this. It was too much. She couldn't take feeling his hands on her like burning saucers wherever he touched her, wherever his mouth licked, sucked, nibbled, or even kissed. All of it made her so sick she felt like she might throw up all over him if he didn't move quicker.

Fortunately, he did and she was up running away from him like a mad man. In no time she was in the washroom, retching into the toilet bowl until what was in her stomach finally came up, filling the porcelain bowl. Her stomach still twisted though, though she wasn't sure whether it was from anxiety or from the sheer need to be sick. Every thing about this was sick and she hated it. She hated him. It was inevitable.

She wanted to purge everything about him out of her system but that was impossible. This time she wasn't purging... he'd made her sick. The Flu made her sick, which ever, he made it worse.

The next thing she knew he was behind her a touching her again, was he fucked up in the head?

"Oh baby you turn me on," he said. That was it! She wanted to slap the shit out of him! If she had half the strength she would.

In the next instant she heard the phone ringing again, and he'd moved away from her to answer it, maybe she wasn't imagining it.

"Hey,"

she heard him, answer. His mom again, she knew, this woman couldn't leave well enough alone ever. She listened to see what he'd have to say.

"Yeah I wasn't sleeping, Al is sick, she's throwing up." he acted like he cared so much, gah! He made her so mad sometimes.

"Yeah, she tried to eat actually, shes just feeling really lousy," Like he'd tell her it was his fault, on top of the flu, he made her physically sick, with what he does, with his words, his breath, his hands.

"I'll sleep, don't worry about it, I want to make sure she's alright first. No shes not just being needy, she just got-...okay, yeah, sure." She wanted to tear her ears off her head and throw them out the window, he was sickening in just that alone, his voice oozed with lies, and his mother just took it in.

She groaned, shaking her head. She'd lock herself in here all night if she had to. She wasn't going to succomb to whatever sickening things he wanted her to do tonight. She was feeling far too sick and she wanted to just sleep. Or maybe not sleep but at least rest without having to worry about him trying to come in and feel her up. She hated him for doing that to her. She just wanted to be left alone. Why couldn't he simply understand that!?

"But baby I haven't seen you in days. Baby I miss you. Baby you owe me. Baby I need this. Baby I need that." He always came with an excuse!! It was like he came with a manual of all the things he was going to say and you could almost hand pick them. She hated to be in this house with him. She wanted to leave. She probably would at least consider the thought if she didn't feel so damn sick. But every which way she moved, every time she even opened her eyes, her body ached from her head to her toes, and she couldn't seem to get comfortable no matter what she did.

"Al?"

She heard his voice. She looked up to see him standing in the doorway of the washroom with the phone still pressed to his ear. Why couldn't she just get a reprieve? She hated the way he treated her, but she wouldn't argue with him while he was on the phone with his mom. She'd only get in more trouble for arguing with him, and it would be double the trouble because his mother was on the phone.

"Mmmhmm?" She put a fake smile on, not wanting to argue with him, but knowing that he'd find something to say to upset or hurt her again.

"Why don't you go lie down. I'll get you some soup. Mom insists." He gave her a smile, though she knew it wasn't really directed at her. He was such a mommy's boy and whatever she told him say, think, or even do, he did it to keep her happy. Sometimes she wondered if he only stayed with her because it made him look better to his mother. And even more so, it made her wonder if he was just with her for the money and nice place. It wasn't uncommon for her to go and grab money from her purse, and then find money gone that she'd had set aside beforehand. Time and time again she argued with him because she'd had it set aside for a reason. He'd even taken her credit cards and wouldn't give them back, she'd have to take them back while he was asleep, and he'd find out sometimes, and act like it didn't even belong to her.

She didn't groan, and instead just got up and went to her bedroom. She shut her door behind her, wanting to turn the lock but she knew if she did, she'd just be in for more trouble. Grabbing her cell phone, She turned to the bed trying not to remember what had just happened, and crawled up under the blankets.

She heard the TV switch on in the other room and prayed he'd stay occupied long enough. She opened her phone and dialed a number, she just needed to hear someone's voice, she needed the safety of knowing someone could hear if something were to happen. She listened as it rang looking up through the semi dark room, and prayed she'd answer.

"Hello?" Alexz heard her voice and let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "Hi Jess it's Al, What are you up to hun?" She let tears slide down her face, feeling an overwhelming urge in her chest that she just had to quiet herself, she couldn't tell her. If she told shit would hit the fan and that would be the end of her safety, he'd promised her so many times while holding her against the wall, he'd kill her, he would bury her six feet under if she ever told anyone.

Her chest felt like it would crack at the sobs she held in.

She held a hand to her chest, trying to breathe without giving herself away. She just wanted him to leave, or to get out of here somehow. She wished now more than ever she had a sun porch or something to go sit on, where she would be free to run if he tried to come at her.

She listened to Jess talk to her about her days events and everything she'd done, all a while letting tears roll down her cheeks. She prayed that she'd be left in here long enough to calm down and then maybe get a few hours of sleep. He'd said he would only be home for a day or so, hadn't he? Maybe she could leave for a few days. Anything to get out of here. Or maybe she'd hear from Tim again. Anything to not have to constantly fear her every move, wondering if his mom would know the minute she walked out her door, wondering if he was coming up behind her to do something. She couldn't spend her life doing that. It would be too much.

"So how are you?" She heard Jess ask her that, and for the smallest second, she contemplated telling her. But as always, she didn't. She would never be able to, for fear that something could happen. He could walk in the room, or Jess could say she was calling the police and coming over. Alexz had tried that once, and it was only a few hours before he had returned to her house and had made her 'pay' for turning him in.

"Um, sick, but I'm okay. David's home for a few days, but its fine." She looked over at the window, watching the sun on the horizon. She wished staring at it long enough would make it just go down and come up and then disappear again. At least then she'd know he was gone, but she knew that wouldn't happen. It never did, no matter how much she wanted it.

"Al?" She heard her call her name, she must have zoned out. "Yeah sorry, I umm..." "Are you falling alseep on me hun?" Jess asked. "No, was just thinking, sorry, I haven't gotten much a chance to see everyone, including my family, I just miss everyone I guess, have you been over at my mom's?" Alexz asked her trying to keep herself from the subject in fear that she'd just blurt it out.

"Everyone is doing well, hasn't your mom called you Al?" Alexz closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath before answering.

"We had another argument."

"You should really take some time to go see them hun, they just miss you." Jess told her.

"If it was that simple believe me I would," She wished it were just that simple, but David somehow spoiled everything, leaving bruises on her that she knew her family would notice, she wanted nothing more than to just walk through her mothers door without him, without worrying what they'd find out, without them thinking she wanted nothing to do with them.

"Al, whats wrong? I can tell something is." Alexz shook her head, praying that she could just shrug off this situation without having to go into detail.

"I'm fine. I've just been sick. I'd go see them, but I can't. David's home for a few days, but maybe after I can go see them. He's got plans for the next few days for us," she lied through her teeth. She felt like it was something she did regularly, and it almost scared her. Why could she lie to everyone but Tim? It didn't make sense to her.

She got off her bed and began to pace the bedroom, wanting to leave the house once again. She hated being here.

"Okay well I don't want to be interrupting anything, I have to go for now Al, I'll talk to you soon."

"Okay..Talk to you soon," She didn't want to be off the phone, not at all, but it's not like she could tell her why, it's not like anyone found a reason to stay on the phone with her, she wanted to throw something, to rip something apart, but her body ached at the same time.

Instead, she threw her phone back on the the bed and continued to pace her bedroom, hoping that eventually the sun would go down and she'd be too tired to do anything. She prayed he'd stay on the chesterfield all night and not come in by her. At least if he was out there, she could attempt to get some sleep. She yawned, but she wasn't so much tired as she was stressed. She looked over at the phone on her bed, thinking about calling Tim, but she wouldn't. She didn't want to worry him. She'd made him worry enough in the last week when he'd been there, taking care of her.

She was startled when she heard her phone ringing, but she grabbed it and answered it. "Hello?" She spoke softly, not wanting to give away the fact that she was talking to someone, whether David was still on the phone with his mother or not.

"Alexz, honey. I have a few things I need to do. Can I drop the kids off by you for a bit?" Her eyes widened in worry and fear as she heard the question come from her mothers mouth. David could be an asshole, but he was even worse when Trinity and Isaiah were there, though she wasn't sure exactly why. They'd never done anything to him, but he was always complaining when they were there, and even acted out against them for the smallest reasons. She hated seeing him do that. Those two kids had been through enough, yet time and time again, he continued to do it, not thinking of anyone but himself.

"I know you're busy hon, but your sisters are already gone for the day and they're having a sleepover with their friends, and your fathers sick. I'd really appreciate it if you could do this for me." Alexz couldn't tell her her mother no, no matter how much she didn't want those two babies put in harms' way. She wasn't going to tell her mother something when she knew she needed the help.

"Yeah mom, sure. Bring them over." She bit the inside of her cheek, praying that they'd be okay and that he would keep his hands off of them. She prayed he wouldn't touch any of the and that her mother would come get them without a single hair harmed on anyones head.

She emerged from the room anxiously, she needed to tell him, surprises were a bad thing.

"David my mom has to drop off the kids, I'm sorry, she has no one else my dad is sick, and thats not a good thing..." She trailed off wincing and waiting for him to explode, she knew his mother would have something to say about this too, along the lines of how she was gullible, and could care less about how David felt, she knew she'd be yelled at for this, but she couldn't say no with her dad being sick.

"What?! Alexz dammit do you ever fucking ask!?"

"David this is my house if you don't like it you can leave!," She retorted and instantly regretted it. He had his own place she wondered why he couldn't ever go home when he wasn't working. He practically lived here, just to control her.

She saw him move, but didn't dodge him in time before his hand connected with her face.

"Don't you ever talk to me like that again, you little bitch! who the hell do you think you are talking to me like that? what did I tell you about talking back to me huh?" He grabbed her by her arms shaking her. Great this was going to be a long night...

"David my mom...my mom's going to be here, she'll know you hit me if you do it again, please just stop!" Alexz cried, if he hit her any harder it would be noticeable. Of course her mom called when she needed something, Alexz couldn't find it in her heart to say no.

He backed off, only because she was right and he didn't want to risk getting into trouble. "Fine, maybe I should leave," he spoke sarcastically. She sighed, walking over to the chesterfield. "Do what you want," she spoke honestly, but softly. If he left, great. If he stayed, well, then she'd have to deal with him. But that was what she did all the time anyway. She did nothing more than just deal with him.

She stood when there was a knock at the door and walked to answer it, seeing her mom with the two kids. They hugged her two legs and she couldn't help but smile, hugging her her mom. "Hi, mom..."

She smiled and hugged her daughter back. "I'm sorry I have to run out like this, but I have to get to work. Maybe when I pick them up, okay?"

Alexz couldn't help but frown, knowing that this is what it had come to with seeing her family. Unless her mother was asking her to babysit or stopping by to pick up the kids, she rarely saw them these days. She couldn't be around them according to David because apparently they put ideas in her head that were bad for her, and they weren't worth her time. Yet he could beat on her and his mother could treat her like shit and she could spend all the time in the world with them.

She said goodbye to her mother and then lifted Isaiah into her arms, walking into the sitting room with the kids. She settled them on the chesterfield, turning the channel so that they could watch cartoons and she could hopefully get a song written or at least some type of work, though something told her that what she wanted wasn't going to happen.

She walked towards her bedroom to get her computer, only to be shoved against the wall by David so hard, she felt like her shoulder blades might cut into the wall, though she knew it wasn't possible. "David, please stop. Whatever you want I'll give it to you but not now. Not in front of the kids," she tried to reason with him, though she was sure he wouldn't listen. He never did.

"Why should I give in to what you want, you little whore? You never do anything I want, so there's no reason for me to do what you want. That'd just be contradicting myself, eh Alexz?" She clenched her eyes shut, feeling the seething anger drip from each and every one of his words. No, she didn't give him what he wanted 99 of the time, and when she did it wasn't willingly. She absolutely hated the way he treated her, but she wasn't going to give him what he wanted without a fight. It wasn't fair.

She wanted to scream at him, she wanted to yell at him to get out of her house, to leave her alone, and to never come see her again. "David just..." She stopped herself from saying anything further, not wanting to get into it here with the kids having just got here. "Not right now, please? The kids just got here. Let me get them settled in and then if you need something, I'll get it for you, okay?"

"Fine!" He was seething and walked out but not without slamming his fist into the wall and glaring at her first.

She decided to get the kids settled and ready for bed knowing that they'd be here for the night. She needed to avoid David as much as possible.

She bathed the kids, gave them a snack, then moved through the house to turn off lights, and rock them to sleep one at a time. She'd in between baths set up a playpen for Isaiah to sleep in, and rocked him to sleep first rubbing his head with her hand and singing sweetly. She hoped that David would just keep his mouth shut long enough so she could get them asleep.

They fell asleep fast leaving her with nothing else than to clean up around the house, as tired as she felt, she felt like she'd just drop but she had to keep moving and keep occupied long enough to avoid him and pray he'd fall asleep.

She started with the sitting room, cleaning up the floor where the kids had been playing and left him to watch what he was watching before putting away the toy bin in the storage closet where she kept things for them. She moved next to the kitchen, washing up the dishes and cleaning off the counters before she swept up the floor. She thought about mopping to make time pass and have another excuse for not sitting down to spend time with him, but she was getting exhausted and she really didn't want to after everything else she'd done that day, on top of being sick.

She walked out of the kitchen, shutting the light off. She looked over at the chesterfield, seeing David still watching TV. She prayed he was too wrapped up in the show to pay attention to her. As she made her way towards the hall and didn't hear him moving, she felt hopeful that she might actually be able to get away with this without him making her do anything. Her mind quickly changed though as she heard him coming up behind her and shove her against the wall. She winced but didn't make a sound as she was turned around and slapped hard across the face. She winced, feeling hot tears brim her eye lids.

"What'd you think you would just go to bed and get away with this? That nothing would happen and I'd just let you do what you wanted? Next thing I know you'll be thinking you can bring people here to have sex. Is that what what you're doing? Is that it Alexz? Are you trying to become a slut?" She felt his hand wrap around her neck and she winced, grabbing at his wrist in attempt to pull it away, but he was sgrabbing at his wrist in attempt to pull it away, but he was squeezing so hard she could barely braethe.

"Da-Dav-..." She couldn't breathe, and each moment longer that he squeezed, she struggled harder to take in a breath. She felt tears run faster down he cheeks, ironically running past his hand gripping her by the throat. She tried to pound her fists into his chest, but her weak movements were nothing against him as her body begged for oxygen.

Finally he let go, but only to throw her to the floor and begin kicking her in every open spot. She cried softly, knowing if she sobbed that it would only get worse. He always told her she was a baby if she cried, and while she couldn't stop the tears, she could do her best to keep from making noise while crying. She breathed heavily, choking to get air into her lungs that ached and burned while still enduring his abuse.

Alexz crossed her arms shielding her face with them, hoping he'd just kill her and get it over with. She didn't move when he walked away from her, "I'm going to take a shower, stop being a baby and get the fuck up! When I get out be ready for me, you said you would later." He told her, his voice sounding sickeningly sweet.

Alexz forced her body into movement, struggling in pain as she moved, it hurt to breathe, She looked up at him to be knocked backwards once again his fist connecting with her face more than once. "Stop being a baby, if you wake up the kids you'll regret it!" He said then moved away from her once again.

She covered her face with her hands pulling them away to reveal blood. She was bleeding. She touched her lip gingerly he'd split her lip what was new? She felt her face knowing it would be bruised and swollen very quickly.

Having heard the shower, she moved as quickly as she could grabbing her keys she dressed the kids in their sleep having to wake up Trinity and quiet her, she moved to place them into her car, quietly, every breath she took was sheer agony at this point.

She took one last look up at the apartment, seeing the washroom light shut off. She knew he'd realize he was trying to leave soon enough, so she raced around the car to the front seat, yanking her door shut. She started the car and threw it into reverse, pulling her seat belt on as she did. Isaiah was still fast asleep, but Trinity was half awake, still bewildered as to why Alexz had woken her.

She started pulled out of the driveway and sped down the street, driving nearly a mile before she figured out where she was going. She couldn't go home because her family would know and no one was there anyway. She couldn't leave the city because she didn't have any clothes for the kids, and she couldn't leave the city with them anyway, and she couldn't go to one of her friends.

With those choices gone, it only gave her two choices. She would either have to go back home after driving around for a while, or she'd have to take the kids to Patricia's house and pray that she watched them while she went to the hospital. She bit her tongue, not wanting to do either, but her chest her so bad she felt like if she breathed any deeper than the shallow attempts she was taking in was that her lungs might explode.

She arrived at Patricia's house and turned of the car. She pulled her seat belt off and got out of the car, moving around to get Trinity out of her booster seat before she removed Isaiah from his car seat. She took Trinity's hand in her own and walked to the doorstep, knocking softly on the front door. A few minutes later, Patricia opened it, and the frown on her face gave away the fact that Alexz didn't look any better than she felt. "I have to go to the ER, please. I need you to watch them..."

"Oh my god! Come in here for a minute please Alexz," Alexz nodded tears making paths down her face once again. She moved into the house where Patricia could get a better look at her. "Damn him! David did this didn't he?" Patricia asked, Trinity's eyes moved up to meet Alexz face realizing for the first time that she was crying, she suddenly began sobbing and clung to her. Patricia took Isaiah from Alexz arms and laid him out on the chesterfield, motioning for Alexz to sit for a minute. "My car is running..." Alexz said. "Here hand me the keys, I'll have Chip shut it off for a little bit, let me get a look at you, make you some tea or something," Alexz reluctantly handed her the keys not having the energy to argue the subject.

"Alexz you can't go to the hospital they'll arrest him for this," Patrica said handing her a cold-pack for her face. "What if I don't tell them what happened?" Alexz asked pleading. "It hurts to breathe!," She sobbed.

"Listen to me, I'll keep an eye on you here, and If I need to I'll call an ambulance, You'll be okay, I won't let anything happen, They won't just accept that you wont tell them. You'll be okay, you're probably just badly bruised." Patricia tried to convince her. While hiding her car keys in the mean time.

She couldn't watch her son go to jail, he needed to be in church not jail.

Alexz shook her head, nearly hyperventilating from how badly her chest was aching. Taking in the smallest breath made her ache. "I have to...I can't...My chest..." Hot tears ran down her cheeks.

Patricia shook her head, grabbing a clean cloth out of a drawer and wetting it with tepid water before walking back over to Alexz, wiping away at the cuts on her face. "Really Alexzandra, it'll be fine. Just calm down. Crying is only hurting you worse."

Alexz shook he head, putting the ice pack down. She needed to see a doctor. Being sick was only making her body hurt so much worse, and Trinity was crying just as much as her. She lifted her into her arms even though she ached badly, and held her close. "Its okay baby girl."

Alexz looked up at his mom, pleading with her eyes, Patricia moved to take Trinity from her arms and bring her into her husband to calm her down, and maybe watch cartoons while Alexz and she talked.

Patricia handed Alexz a glass of cold water which she took, and sipped at her parched throat almost resisting it.

"You'll be okay Alexz do you want to tell me what happened?" Patricia asked, Alexz looked at her suddenly she felt really sick again. "Al?" She asked again looking at her.

She shook her head, throwing a hand over her mouth and running from the room. She made a mad dash for the washroom, throwing herself over the toilet bowl just in time as her stomach reprieved, and she threw up into the porcelain bowl. Her body ached even worse now and she wanted to crawl in a deep hole, but she wouldn't, no matter how sick she felt.

Patricia came in behind her, shaking her head sadly. "You really are sick. Gosh, Al. Maybe we should have you lie down for a bit and get some rest..."

Alexz shook her head getting up and walking to the vanity. She turned the water on and cupped a little into her hands, sipping it into her mouth to rinse it out before she spit it back out. "No, no I don't need to rest. My chest hurts bad. I really think I should go into the ER. Please." She knew she was begging now but her body ached bad. She needed to see her doctor.

"Alexz listen to me you will be okay, main thing right now is the flu, we need to get you better. I'll make you some garlic soup, you need to lie down, going to the hospital is not going to solve anything, but added pain, because they will ask questions that you'll need to answer, I'm not watching my son go to jail because you two cant get along."

Alexz wouldn't fight with her any longer and sighed, nodding. Patricia led her to the guest room, turning on the bedside table lamp. She helped her to lie down and slipped her shoes off, covering her up. Trinity came up behind Patricia, looking up at Alexz. She crawled up into the bed next to her, snuggling up next to her. Alexz hugged her back, rubbing her hair down. "Get some rest, babygirl. We'll be here for a little while..."

Trinity nodded, resting on the pillow next to Alexz while Patricia exited the room, grabbing the phone. She dialed the number to Alexz's apartment, hearing him pick up. She could practically feel her sons anger on the other line of the phone, and he hadn't even said anything yet.

"She's here right now, David. You need to calm down!" She spoke in an angered voice. "Why the hell do you think you have the right to do this to her David huh, I don't care how angry you were," She yelled through the phone. "You could have killed her this time, your lucky I saved your ass again!"

"Mom she deserved it!"

"David you need help! You need to go get help before you do end up in jail, is that what you want, you want to lose her and go to jail?" Patricia asked. "I thought church would help you, I don't know David maybe I'm wrong, I never raised you like that. I don't want my son going to jail, I had to stop her David ..."

"Stop her from what mom?"

"Going to the hospital and turning your ass in David!" she responded.

"Oh that little bitch, shes just wants to ruin me is all mom."

"David you hit her!!."

"She deserved it!."

Alexz sat up in bed, and removed a sleeping Trinity from on top of her arm. Her chest burned, with her movements, but she'd thought she heard Davids name, and was afraid he was there, when she realized Patricia was on the phone. She coughed hard, tried to catch her breath and coughed again. How could she rest like this? She moved from the bed, overhearing the conversation. She felt like hell. She emerged in the doorway of the kitchen.

"I never said I wanted to put him in jail..." She whispered from the doorway. "I wasn't even going to tell on him, I just wanted to get checked out." Alexz let tears fall again, she could never turn him in could she? Everyone would hate her and nothing would happen. He'd get off and she'd be worse off.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to eavesdrop I just n-need a drink, I don't feel well," Her voice gave in to another coughing fit leaving her doubled over holding her chest.

Patricia let out a heavy sigh, momentarily turning herself back to the conversation. "Hold on." She set the phone down on the table and grabbed the glass of water that she'd gotten Alexz a few minutes ago and walked over to her, helping her to take a drink from it. "Go get back into bed. I'll bring you some tea in a minute for your throat."

Alexz nodded, taking the glass of water with her while Patricia walked back over to the table, grabbing the phone. She walked out of the room to the porch. Even though it was cold, she didn't want Alexz to hear what she was discussing with her son. "You need to calm. Down, David. Otherwise someone else is going to get you into trouble and its not going to be Alexz! Maybe you should be seeing the pastor more than this. Especially if you're pulling shit like this."

"I didn't do anything to her that she didn't deserve, mom! She didn't even ask me to bring those kids over! Just told her mom it was fine!"

Patricia shook her head, holding it in her free hand. It amazed her that her son could be so selfish and disconnected from the big picture. That was far from what she had raised him to be like. "That is not your home, David. You can not make those choices for her."

"She's my girlfriend, and She'll be my wife mom I'll say or do what I please, I'll make the choices I want to make, these are my rules, she has to ask first."

"David..." She didn't have words anymore, but she knew she had to make sure her son wasn't jailed for this shit...She sighed and stepped back into the house, glancing at the bedroom before telling her son she needed to get off the phone, she clicked the button, then placed it onto the base...She turned to see Alexz in the door way completely dressed, the kids both standing at her side.

"I should go home, before he gets to angry,... Can I have my keys? trust me I'm not going to go to a hospital with these kids..." Alexz tried her best not to look terrified, as she handed her her keys. She thanked Patricia and moved out the door.

She settled the kids in the car before getting in the front and starting her car. Tears filled her eyes as she pulled out of the driveway, heading towards home. The closer she got to it, the more shed didn't want to be there. She drove around for a bit instead, knowing he didn't know that she'd left. She'd make it home in a bit but she needed a moment before she went home. If she showed up in tears, he'd only use it against her more and destroy her worse than he already had.

After a few minutes she decided it was best to get home in case his mom had in fact called to tell him that Alexz was on her way home. She pulled into her driveway and shut the car off before getting out and removing the kids from their seats. She carried a sleeping Isaiah and held Trinity's hand, taking them into the elevator. As they made their way up, she could only pray that David had fallen asleep since he'd talked to his mother, though she was sure he hadn't. Things never fell in her direction.

The elevator dinged, alerting her that they were on the right floor and she let out a heavy sigh, walking to her door. She let go of Trinity's hand long enough to unlock the door and open it. She shut the door behind her, not seeing David in the room, but as she heard footsteps, she froze.

Here goes nothing.


	5. Chapter 5: All These Things

Chapter 5: All The Things

Alexz set her hand bag onto the kitchen table throwing her car keys down next to it. She bit her lip and turned towards the refrigerator looking for something to calm the hunger or nerves that assaulted her stomach, she was never sure anymore. She found herself instead starring blankly past the objects in front of her, she was a space cadet lately wasn't she?

Alexz groaned, throwing her shoes to the floor and practically sprinting across the floor to the cheseterfield, sitting down and rubbing the balls of her feet from how badly they ached. She'd just spent the last 10 hours in the studio recording over and over again. She looked around the room, rubbing her eyes as she looked out the window, seeing the sun falling over the horizon. Just seeing the soft colours glittering on the bay made her yawn, though involuntarily.

After a moment, she stood and walked into the kitchen, opening a cupboard and pulling out a box of snack crackers, feeling too lazy to actually cook. She hopped up onto the counter, swinging her legs in thankfulness that David would probably work too late to be back tonight, so she'd get a night to herself. She looked over at the calender as if something was supposed to bounce back at her. The day had flown so fast, and now that she had time to relax, it felt like she'd missed something, like there was someone or something she forgot about in the shuffle of it all. She hadn't forgotten to make any calls. She'd taken the kids back to her mothers house. She'd made sure to get in touch with her brother and made sure he'd shown up at the studio, but still something was wrong….or at least missing.

She moved off the counter setting the crackers down and moved into the washroom feeling as if she should take a shower when suddenly it hit her. Had she been paying attention at all to anything lately it wouldn't have been hard to figure out.

"Okay breathe," She told herself, forcing air into her lungs. She slowly moved back toward the calender to make sure, even though she knew, how many days had passed since she was supposed to have it, and just as her mind calculated, she was two weeks late for her period. Dropping the free page down that she'd counted from the last month, she let a hand cover her lips, her mind screaming no, all at once, as she backed away from the calender like it had suddenly burst into flames.

"Breathe!," She told herself once again, finding a chair blindly with her hands. "It could be stress, yes it has to be stress," she told herself. But in the back of her mind she'd remembered what David had done, not that he cared if he used protection or not, he never cared about anything other than himself, and this wouldn't be any different.

Realization suddenly hit her causing her to shake involuntarily. She couldn't let him find out that she even had a suspicion, things would go from bad to hell in a matter of 0.4 seconds. She forced herself to go over different things in her mind, like how her body had been feeling physically like a checklist inside her brain.

Sure, she'd been sick a lot lately, but it had been from the flu, or at least that's what she thought it had been from. She groaned inwardly, internally beating herself up because she couldn't think back enough to remember if she'd been sick in the morning. She'd been fine that day, she knew that much.

She stormed into the washroom, throwing the cup board door below the vanity, open and searching through it. She remembered always being the responsible one. Keeping pregnancy tests and condoms below the sink, just so she was sure there was always some source of protection in the house. She threw the door shut and couldn't help but scream as she leaned back against the vanity, covering her face with her hands. Why was it that when she needed something most, it wasn't there. She couldn't go out now and buy that stuff. Not now, especially not when he would be home soon, and certainly not while he was in town. No way in hell.

How the hell would she manage this one, and why the hell was she always such a wreck, now she was mad, she wanted nothing more than to smash everything to itty bitty tiny little pieces, but that wouldn't be the answer now would it. She clenched her fists and expelling a breath, then moved from the smaller room into the kitchen.

She scanned the room with her eyes biting her lip. She picked up her cell phone and car keys debating on what she should do and what she could get away with, somehow his mom always found out the minute she left her house, sometime it made her feel as if she was being spied on. No that couldn't be it, someone would know about Tim being there wouldn't they? Or did they? Now she was scared all over again, what the hell would she do now?

She stared at the door, standing where she was, debating what to do. She looked down at her watch and saw that she had a few hours before he would be home, but she still had to make dinner. Still, she found herself standing there, not knowing what she should do. Sure, she needed to know, but what if it was positive. Then everything would just be that much worse. She shook with anticipation, feeling tears in her eyes because she didn't know what was the right thing to do, dialing him.

Holding her scream in, she looked down at her phone and flipped it open, going into her speed-dials and clicking on his name. She lifted the phone to her ear, beginning to pace again. The phone rang three times before she considered closing her phone, but she knew if she did, he'd call back twice as worried as he would be if he answered now.

She pulled the phone away from her ear, looking at it and trying to figure out whether to close the phone or not. Her decision was made for her when the phone stopped ringing and she heard his voice on the other end.

"Hey Spence, whats up?"

She swallowed hard, looking at her phone and struggling to figure out if she should answer him. Tears filled her eyes, feeling like she couldn't do this. It was already a burden to her, she couldn't even begin to imagine how it would weigh on him after everything else she'd told him and put him through.

"Al? Alexz are you there?"

She lifted the phone to her ear, shaking with fear as tears rolled down her cheeks. She tried to hide the fear and sadness in her voice as she spoke, praying he wouldn't notice, but as her voice broke on the first syllable, she was sure he'd figured her out. "H-hi."

"Alexz whats wrong?" he was instantly worried, having heard the tears in her voice.

"Tim I'm-I'm sorry, I just umm, needed someone to talk to I-"

He cut her off next. "Al you know you can call me no matter what, whats going on?" he asked, moving from the room so he could have some privacy. His brother looking at him In curiosity, 'someday that curiosity would kill the cat'...he thought.

"I have a small, well maybe not small, I don't know, a problem, I..." She stammered trying to gain her composure. "I think I might be pregnant," She broke now, sitting herself down right in the middle of the kitchen floor. "David he, he forced me, and...I don't know what to do," She sobbed. She didn't want to chase him away now, he was all she had.

She pulled her knees to her chest, holding them with one arm, while her other hand held her phone up. She couldn't help but feel like the only she could do was cry. Everything felt wrong and she didn't know which way to turn. She wanted Tim there more than anything, but she knew he couldn't be, not when things were a mess like this, and not while David was there.

"I'm leaving. I'll book a flight whe-"

Alexz cut him off, shaking her head even though he couldn't see her. "No. You can't. He's here in town."

He shook his head, looking behind him and seeing his brother still eyeing him from the living room. He walked to the door and give a his brother a five minute sign with his hand, pulling the door shut behind him. "I don't care! This isn't right." He wanted to scream, he wanted to hurt this guy. He wasn't one to use his fists to get a point across, but apparently this asshole just wasn't getting it into his brain that he was destroying this amazing girl's life.

Alexz rested her chin on her knees, trying to compose herself. "I'm sorry. I sh-"

"No. Don't apologize for something that isn't your fault. You haven't done anything wrong."

Alexz shook her head once again, even though he couldn't see her. It was as if her senses were mixed up. "I must've-"

Tim sighed heavily, knowing he wouldn't get through to her. "Al, Please. Just let me come help you. Let…" He paused as a thought crossed his mind, and he couldn't help but feel like it was the best idea. "Tell him its mine."

Alexz shook her head vigorously as if convincing herself. "No way! Tim are you nuts?! You've completely lost your damn mind haven't you? Do you understand even what that would do? What that would mean, I can't, I can't do that to you." She found herself rocking back and fourth, something that had become an unconscious habit when she was distraught.

"Tim all I ever do is complicate things..." she paused for a moment, searching for words. "I umm, don't know how to make things better, or even how to stop these things for that matter. Why would you want me to tell him it's yours?"

He shook his head, holding it in his one hand, rubbing his temples. "What would it do? Well, maybe in the back of my mind I'm praying it would mean that he would leave! Clearly he wouldn't be stupid enough to stick around when you don't want to be with him. And why stick around if its not his kid!? Or at least that's what he'd believe-"

Alexz shook her head furiously, pushing herself up from the floor. She couldn't believe what this man would do for her, but even so, he was crazy for thinking it. "No! No, Tim, he wouldn't be that rational. He'd kill me! And then he'd probably kill you too, all over something that would have been his fault. I can't let you do that! I can't even have you in the middle of this. Its only going to complicate things more than they already are. I never should have said anything…"

Things fell silent as, on the other end of the phone, he couldn't help but feel like she didn't want him there. He hated knowing she was hurting, he wanted to save her, and take her away from all of this, but the more he tried, the more she seemed to push away. " Please, Spence. Let me do something…"

She stopped pacing, actually feeling his words. The sadness, the slight sense of regret, and the pain he felt for wanting to help her. "You are. More than you know, by just being here," she promised.

Sometimes he couldn't understand why she wouldn't just put him out of her life, David that is, but he knew that it had to be even more complicated then he could ever dream of, he wished he could be her knight in shining armour and rescue her, and take her away from all this madness she lived day to day. He wished he could hold her and kiss away all her pain, so she could feel just for a moment that she was wanted, loved, needed, safe.

"Alexz?" he sensed her spacing off again

"Spence I love you..." he swallowed past the lump in his throat.

Alexz shook her head a few times, realizing that their conversation was still going on without her. "S-sorry…" She paused for a moment, almost positive that she'd heard him say he loved her. Her throat suddenly felt heavy, trying to figure out how to reply to that. She was so afraid of someone finding out about them, about him being around and helping her out. "Tim, I…"

He took a deep breath, knowing she probably still felt like it wasn't something she deserved. "I love you, Spence. I love, and I don't care what it takes, one day I'll make you believe that you're worthy of being loved, being happy…Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I've denied it too long and I'm sick of it. I love you more than I thought possible, and I'm not gonna stop now."

Alexz couldn't help herself as she blushed heavily, hearing the way he was talking to her. Only one word came to her mind, and she couldn't help but say it. "Wow…"

He laughed quietly, staring out at the street and the cars rushing by. "I just…I feel like you should know that. I think its only fair. We all need someone to love us, Al."

She exhaled a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in and smiled sadly. "You're too kind of a person, Tim. You should be with someone that can make you happy…"

Tim looked at her... "Al," he breathed trying to think of the words, making sure they'd come out right."Spence you make me happy, Ever since I laid eyes on you. You and only you. Just the thought of you, the sound of your voice, I know in my heart that no one else on this earth can make me happy as you do."

He walked out onto the lawn, away form the house as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. It felt like a moment of truth for him as he answered her. "I wish I could take this away from you, I know I've said it so many times but it's true Al. I don't want to lose you after all this time." His voice quivered threatening tears. "I wish love was enough to make you leave him.." He dug his foot into the ground, that last statement said more soft then the rest.

Alexz looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to find an answer there. She inhaled, her breathe shaky. Her whole being shaky. She wished the same, god did she wish the same, but how could she tell him that, how could she even begin to explain how complicated this was. How terrifying, and painful...

She looked around the room everything feeling kind of hazy. She knew she'd been thinking too much, and her body was on overload. She felt like her skin was on fire, from panicked flush. She tried to steady her breath before speaking again. "Tim I love you, but I don't know what to do, I j-just don't know what to do anymore, nothing is right, everything is fucked up! I'm such a fuck up, how could you love someone like me, I do nothing right. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm still around, why I remain like this, why theres this vendetta against me. I feel like I'm being punished and I don't even know what I did wrong!" She ended that with a gulp of air trying to squelch the sobs before they even started.

He shook his head hearing the words from her mouth on the other end of the phone. His strength broke, at sound of her tears and the words she was saying. One tear followed by another drifted down his cheeks and he know it would be obvious, to his brother, by the time he'd made it back into the house. He wanted to tell her that she wasn't, to shake her and get through to her. He'd give anything just to be able to jump inside of he brain and make the decisions for her.

When she stopped talking he found himself unable to speak, unable to find the right words to comfort her, to tell her it would be alright, when the one thing he wanted from her was the one thing she couldnt do.

"I can't give you the answer Al because I don't know what it is. But you most certainly are not a fuck-up. I wish I could make you believe that." He looked at the ground, feeling as if it was the only place he wanted to be knowing she was in this much pain.

He stood there a moment longer as the wheels in his head began to turn. "Al if you are pregnant, I would want more than anything in this world for me to father the baby, you cannot bring a child into this. If you are, then it turns into more than just your life at steak, more than just your life he is trying to ruin. Do you honestly think he can love a child? It would only make things more complicated, Al please let me help you. If you stay with him he could kill this baby, if there is one...And I love you, more than anything in this world, and If there is a baby, I would always treat as it were mine, Al because it's a part of you. Part of your beauty, and who you are. I would love the baby too Al, I would."

She breathed for a second on the other line then spoke softly... " We don't even know what is happening yet..."


	6. Authors Note

A/N

I am really sorry it has taken so long to give you an update on this story and the others. Unfortuneatly I have had some problems with my health as of recent that has prevented me from doing so. I am hoping to have something out soon as for a new chapter. Thanks for all the wonderful feedback! I'll work on writing :D 


	7. Chapter 6: Powerless

_Chapter 6: Powerless_

Alexz sat on the kitchen floor, trying her hardest to blink back the teas that constantly threatened to fall. It was past 2 AM now. She thought that maybe she could do this, she thought maybe she was strong enough, but the only thing she'd proven to herself was just how weak she really felt on the inside. She couldn't do it could she? Not now, not alone, not left with these deafening thoughts, that nagged her and played over and over in her head like a broken record. She was powerless, completely powerless. It was like her thoughts had a voice of their own.

She bit her lip looking up through watery eyes, she was tired of seeing this same setting over and over, every day. She couldn't change it, she'd tried. Just maybe not hard enough. No one ever seen this part did they? No one asked, no one listened, no one heard her, she was like a tiny voice no ones ear could hear.

She knew fully well the consequences, it was out of control, had she ever really had control? Wasn't that what this was about? If so she failed miserably. Maybe she was really breaking from the inside out.

Alexz attempted to stand now, holding onto the counter in front of her, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. The room swirled around her, and her legs felt like jell-o. She wanted to give up, to give in to it all, but something always held her, no matter how close she came, something always kept her from giving up.

She looked around, everything feeling hazy, and she wondered if she'd make it back to her bed. She'd been out here for hours now, looking at the same things over and over searching for something she knew would never satisfy her. She put her head down, trying to take away the ache. She'd called Tim this morning, and told him the news, not like it had made a difference in what was going on now. She let her mind go back to the moment. She'd tried to keep her voice as emotionless as possible, relieved that she wasn't pregnant. She closed her eyes and breathed for a second, at least one good thing. She couldn't imagine having a baby right now, not because of her, or who she was, but what she had to live day in and day-out, Tim was right...

She stood her hands shaking. This was becoming a more regular thing all over again wasn't it, and she never knew how to stop it. He was vindictive, and cruel, she believed his words. Why she didn't know anymore. She'd go to bed physically empty again...a pattern that was all too much lately. At least she'd have tonight to herself, to give herself some room to breathe, to think, and maybe even sleep, dare she think the impossible.

Sleep scared her, she'd woken up too many times with him doing things she'd rather never speak of. Her dreams haunted her lucid and vivid as they were. She hated panic, and anxiety, it came along with the night. But also with the night came reason sometimes, loneliness, where she'd sit in the dark. The dark had it's freedom and fears all at the same time. Sometimes she'd hold her phone, sitting in a ball in the corner of her couch just waiting for it to ring, to just once hear the comforting voice without question, and without asking. She felt like a burden whenever she even spoke to people lately. Like maybe they were just obliged to be a part of her life, and they really didn't want to be...

She could feel her hands tremble, and her stomach roll, she was beyond hungry now, and if she wanted to stay conscious she probably needed something inside of her. She began searching the cupboards again furiously, pulling things down and out. Nothing looked safe, or appetizing, nothing looked like something she could do. She put her head in her hands, she was hopeless. She moved to the refrigerator finding some left over homemade chicken soup with rice, she decided she'd heat that up and at least try.

Alexz brought the bowl into the living room while chanting to herself. "I can do this, it's only soup, I can do this, I can do this..." She could right? She liked to think she had at least that much control. She felt like she was losing her mind, hoping that someone would rescue her from this living hell she called her head now.

She flicked the TV on browsing through channels but not really paying attention to what was in front of her, she was more concerned with the thoughts playing images in her minds eye, that just came whenever it pleased now. There was worse out there, she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself and suck it up. She looked down and bit her lip, feeling stubborn, she spooned a bite of soup to her mouth with a shaky hand, wanting to throw up the minute it hit her tongue, but she fought it. She could do this...She wasn't going to let him win this moment, maybe just this one moment. She needed the victory. She needed one time, one moment, in which someone would allow her to feel somewhat human, but she knew of only one person that made her feel a fraction of that.

Alexz set the bowl down refusing to cry now, she paced the room for a minute scrubbing her hands over her face and through her hair, trying to rid her body of the frustrated feeling, restlessness, that need to run and never stop. Fear always stopped her. Fear was her biggest weakness, and her worst enemy. She clenched her fists over and over, then moved from the room, into the kitchen. She couldn't stand this feeling, like she was physically repulsed by her own presence if that made any sense. This itchy feeling to just jump out of her own skin.

Sitting on the floor she began pulling cans from the cupboard, rearranging them in order to her liking, then moved from one place to the next putting things in neat order. David always messed things up, the only thing that kept her life out of total disarray was organization right now. She wanted to hit him, pound on him so bad right now, but what would that solve, he'd only hurt her worse...if not kill her...She tried to keep her mind focused and her hands moving...

Feeling frustrated all over again, she looked around, still refusing to let her mind sink into the oblivion it had been lately. She felt slightly numb, as she grabbed her coat, purse and keys, she couldn't handle this no more, she prayed she wouldn't pay for this now, as she headed out her front door locking it.

Alexz closed her eyes inhaling deeply as the elevator dinged signaling that it had hit the lobby, it felt like a eternity she'd been in there which in reality was only mere moments. She wasn't sure what drove her right now, she wasn't even sure she was in the right mind, maybe she should just go back upstairs, now if she knew what was good for her she would. Right now she didn't care, the only life she knew went down the drain, what was left, why should she care now? There had to be a reason but she didn't find that answer as she climbed into the drivers seat of her car, looking around on instinct. He'd pulled a stunt like that before on her, She was too paranoid now.

After carefully examining the entire inside of her car, she started it, put it in gear and drove away more forcefully than intended. She bit back a few tears trying to keep her hands from shaking, and she drove, until she found herself cautiously standing on a familiar doorstep, not sure if she should even knock or not. She moved to turn around biting back the tears of loss at her own movements, just as the door opened.

"Al?" She heard a voice stopping her in her tracks. "What are you doing?" She turned around not finding the words to explain herself. The next thing she knew she was pulled into strong arms. "I missed you sweetie, where have you been? And why were you going to leave?" Her father asked her looking slightly hurt but more surprised. "I uh, I wasn't sure you guys were awake, or even..well it's so early... I don't know Daddy, I'm sorry it's been a while, things have been kind of crazy with David back and fourth in and out of town, and all this stuff. I missed you, I just wanted to, I just wanted to see you guys. I'm sorry it's so early in the morning." Alexz tried to keep her feelings hidden from her features. "We missed you too baby, why don't you come in?" Her father asked. She nodded and followed him into her childhood home. The place she'd always wanted to be able to seek solace. David had ruined that too. There was a fair amount of things, she'd found he'd ruined lately.

Gary pulled out a chair for her in the kitchen, getting up to make some coffee. "So where is that boy now anyway?" He asked her nonchalantly. "He, He's out of town on a job, he'll be back in a few days." She tried to keep her answers simple, not giving too many clues, when all she wanted to do was clue them into what she couldn't say to them. "So mom still asleep?" She asked. Gary nodded at her, everyone must be but him, she wasn't sure why she'd even came so early, she just knew she needed away from her apartment even for a little while. "Always the early bird, I've been awake, so no worrying about the time Alexzandra you know no matter what time it is, you are always welcome home." Gary tried to look stern but only smiled at her, missing her so.

Alexz looked around thoughts plaguing her, she needed to stop being so scared.

Alexz sighed, running a hand through her hair. Her family would be up soon, and they would have many, many questions. Why had she been away so long, what was going on in her life, was she looking for a new record label. She could hear all the questions already inside her head. She wasn't sure how to answer any of them. She couldn't tell them about everything with David. The mess with him alone comprimsed everything else she was trying to deal with. She would be back to work in a few months, but that didn't change the fact that at the moment, she felt useless and as if she had nothing. She felt so unwanted thinking about how her label had just decided to turn everything upside down. She had always known that she had her music, but now she didn't even have that. At least not on the level she wanted it.

She looked as her father stood over the stove, mxing something together. She wasn't sure why he was up this early. He must have to work, she told herself. As her eyes caught the clock, she saw that it was only 3:30 in the morning. It would be hours before any of her siblings would be up. Her mom might be eventually, but sickness had made its way through the houses shortly after she'd returned home from L.A., and the way things worked here, it just kept going from one person to the next, to the next to the next.

"S-so how are the kids doing in school," she asked softly, trying to get her head away from where it was going with her own demonic thoughts.

Gary smiled from where he stood, glancing at her briefly as he continued to cook. Hissing from the tea pot on the stove drove Alexz to her feet, wanting to do something with her hands. While her father talked, she poured both of them a cup.

"MacKenna and Zak are enjoying high school to the fullest. They've both gone out for different winter sports, and I think they're going to both try for co-ed baseball this spring. Garrison is learning basics in division, which he's starting to understand, and Caity is just happy to be in her las year of school."

"Thats nice," Alexz tried to keep her voice from sounding distant. She wasn't even sure she could even focus at this point she was actually tired. She followed her dad into the living room where he could watch his morning shows which he always did before everyone else got up. She set her tea on a coaster and leaned back pulling the afgan over herself she leaned on her fathers shoulder, something she hadn't done in a very long time. He wrapped his arm around her enveloping her in a protective fatherly gesture. It felt good to have that. The next thing she knew she was asleep, or even if she knew it.

As she slept, it was dreamless, never actually hitting REM sleep. Noises coming from the TV and clattering as people began to awake woke her every now and then until finally she felt a pair of arms envalope her tightly, followed by squeals of joy. She opened her eyes slowly, seeing that it was her mother hugging her, and she smiled, hugging her back.

"Alexz, sweetie, its so good to see you," her mother sobbed softly. Alexz struggled to keep her own composure. She missed her parents so badly.

Trinity and Isaiah threw themselves at her sides, clinging to her with hugs as well. She saw them more than anyone else in her family, but still it wasn't enough to her. She wanted to be with these people always; if only there was a way; Surely she would have found it already.

"C'mon," Trinity giggled softly as she pulled on Alexz's hand. "Lets have breakfast!" Alexz smiled, staring down at the little girl with her mussed sleep hair. She was beautiful in every way; gosh how Alexz had missed her dearly. It was too much to be away from these kids. She always wished deep down in her heart that they were her own, but she was too young, she always told herself. There was no way she could do it, especially within the rate at which her life spun.

Finally, she stood from the couch, lifting Trinity into her arms and following everyone else as they made their way into the kitchen. Her siblings had taken their rightful places in different seats, and Alexz found a place next to her mother, setting Trinity down in the chair next to her. She self consciously ran a hand through her hair, hoping sleep hadn't messed it up; not that it was anything special to begin with. She'd been a mess when she'd shown up.

Suddenly she was dreading this when she saw breakfast begin to be served. A hot plate was put in front of her filled with buttery syrupy homemade waffles, turkey bacon, soy sausage, fruit, and a glass with the choice of lactaid or orange juice. She looked down and tried her best not to panic. 'How could she possibly eat all this?' she thought. She knew that breakfast was a very important family meal and that shed have to somehow get it down, and try to get past the nagging torturing thoughts in her head even for a few moments.

She looked around the table, seeing everyone already getting started on their meals, but seeing other plates, she felt as if they had given her more than anyone else has been given. Why would they do this to her? They knew she struggled, yet they were trying to force food on her?Alexz looked to her mother, who looked up at her for a moment before one of Alexz's sisters called her name. Alexz busied herself with cutting up Trinity's breakfast, trying to delay her need to eat breakfast. If she could focus on that for a few moments, maybe she wouldn't be forced to eat all she had been served.

Once she was finished however, she scanned the table for Isaiah. He was sitting next to her mother, with his food already cut up. Alexz gulped, inwardly telling herself she could do this, even though she felt as if she didn't want to. She slowly picked up her fork and began cutting a small corner from one of the waffles, shaking it off on the plate for a moment to get some of the syrup and butter off. The less she ate the better it would be. Still, as she brought the fork to her lips, she could feel her hand shaking, almost as if it were telling her she shouldn't be doing this.

She forced herself to hold her tears back, slowly cutting tiny pieces of the different foods that had been placed on her plate, and taking small bites of them. She gulped down more than her fair share of lactaid, trying to take up some of the room inside her stomach.

As Alexz stared down at her plate, she inwardly begged her body to send the signals to her stomach that she was full. She felt as if she'd eaten enough already, but still, she physically felt anything but full. Tears brimmed her eyes as she looked around, seeing some of her siblings already getting up to rinse their dishes, yet so much of her food still laid on the plate. She had to finish this or her family would reject her. They'd thing she was a nuisance. They wouldn't want her around, and she'd be condemned to going back to the hell hole she called home.

They couldn't know that she'd begun to struggle with this again, it must have been so easy for them the first time, they'd never understand now, things were different more complicated. She looked back at her mother who eyed her worriedly for a moment before moving to wash Isaiah. Alexz knew that look well. She didn't want to be the subject of it. She took her fork and pushed it into the waffled maybe if she could just get it gone. Getting it past her mind was difficult enough. She wanted to run for the hills. She chewed the bite feeling like so much she wanted to spit it back, but that was disgusting.

She was disgusting her behaviour was disgusting! She should be ashamed of herself for this. She forced herself to chew and swollow, one bite then another trying to detach her brain somehow, numb herself of the thoughts. She felt like everything around her suddenly became a fog, and she was sitting alone with this food that had now become one of her worst enemies. She wished she could feel full, but she was starving. She felt like she could eat this plus and just keep going as much as she hadn't wanted it, she'd deprived herself so much lately and it tasted so good.

Once she realized she had actually finished her food, she gave her mother a weak smile and moved to put her plate in the sink. She felt weak, she was weak! She scolded herself inside her head for having ate all that food. She was disgusting, and fat, weak, gross, and undeserving. Her mind manipulated her with these thoughts. She could suddenly hear Davids voice in her head

"You're getting so fat Alexz why do you even eat? Why do you eat so much Alexz you're such a pig," She felt shaky, like a deer caught in the headlights as everyone around her would certainly catch on sooner or later if she didn't do something to calm this panicked state she was deeply in now. She tried to divert her mind, she poured herself a cup of coffee not putting anything in it to avoid more calories than she'd already had. She hated herself. All she wanted to do was break. Suddenly she felt overwhelmed with the full feeling inside her, sitting in her stomach like she'd swallowed a boulder. She couldn't let anyone catch onto her distorted thoughts.

"Al, wanna go to the mall with us," her sisters asked from the door way. She gulped, wondering if maybe she went with them, she'd find a way to do this. Her thought process was quickly stopped however, as her mother spoke.

"You girls can go later. We haven't seen your sister in weeks. Let her spend some time with the family. Your brothers will be here later," her mother informed her softly.

Alexz whimpered, so silently however, that she wasn't heard by anyone. Her sisters both gave heavy groans before walking away, and Alexz walked into the living room, offering to help get Trinity and Isaiah dressed. Maybe she could find a way to do this once she was done with them. No one would suspect it…

Once Trin and Zae were dressed, she'd moved to the bathroom to wash her hands and put their dirty pyjamas in the hamper. She'd clicked the door shut and the next thing she knew she found herself kneeling in front of the toilet bowl with her fingers down her throat, almost out of pure desperation. Hot tears poured down her face, and she had everything she could do not to kick her foot against the floor, biting down onto her hand to ease some of the pain from the force of retching past her fingers, but had not yet produced anything which angered her.

She pulled her hand out to breathe for a second and spit a mouthful into the toilet, only to push her fingers back into her throat once more. She couldn't stand it, she had to get it out of her, it was like she could feel it under her skin, adding to her by the second, she couldn't handle the heavy feeling in her stomach, it terrified her. The full feeling. She needed to be empty, she needed to purge away the pain, the thoughts, the torture. She wished she could purge herself away completely sometimes.

She sat there for a moment, telling herself she could do it, and that she WOULD do it. She told her body that it had to get the food out. She had no choice. With that, she moved back onto her knees, sticking her fingers into the back of her throat once again. It took a few moments, but her body finally gave in, and she heaved into the toilet. Rather than feeling happy, though, she felt disappointed. What was in the toilet was nothing close to what she'd eaten.

She forced her fingers back into her throat, doing it over and over again until her body ached, and she tasted nothing but stomach acid. Her chest and throat burned badly from it, and her mouth had the worst taste.

Alexz flushed the toilet, pushing herself slowly to her feet to wash her hands and rinse her mouth out. The mouthwash was in the same place as always was luckily, so she rinsed her mouth quickly before Listerine back into the sink. She rinsed it out and then looked up at herself in the mirror. She looked pale, and her eyes were bloodshot. Her mother would know the moment she saw her. What had she been thinking, coming here?

Suddenly she found herself pacing the bathroom in a panic almost afraid to leave the room. She had to find a excuse, a little white lie, something to make what just happened legit, or this would be a war. She could feel it already. She let sobs hit her like a ton of bricks. When all she wanted was her family she couldn't even have it. He'd even taken over this part of her life.

He'd taken control of everything. She had nothing left. She left herself sit onto the floor her face falling into her hands and her shoulders wracking with the sobs that hurt her already aching insides. She just wanted a semblance of something left that hadn't fallen into a million pieces at her very floor of her soul.

She shook her head as she cried, telling herself she was stupid. It was the first time she'd seen her family in so long and she had to find a way to ruin it. And now she was crying! What was her excuse for that supposed to be? Her family would think she was nuts. Disappearing to the washroom for way too long and then having a crying fit? What the hell was wrong with her? Why couldn't she just get it together.

A knock came from the door and Alexz whimpered but forced herself to suck it up. She stood slowly, walking to the door, wiping under her eyes once more before she opened the door. A small smile crossed her face as she saw Brendan standing in front of her. She didn't say a thing, simply enveloping him in her arms. She had missed him so much as well, having barely seen him since they'd left London. There had been days when it felt like he kept her creative juices sane. He kept her from letting her ideas run wild when she wrote.

"Hey, Al." His voice was soft as he hugged her back for a moment before she finally pulled away. He examined her face and gave her a once-over, frowning slightly. "Something wrong?"Alexz shrugged, forcing out the first lie that came to mind. "I was just missing everyone and thinking about the fact that eventually I have to go home. David will be home in a few days, and when he's home we're always busy," she lied through her teeth. She was trapped, not busy.

Brendan nodded, hugging her once more. He wrapped an arm around her, leading her towards the stairs. "Maybe we all should just kidnap you for a few weeks," Brendan joked as he laughed, following her down the stairs.

"I wish," Alexz spoke softly, feeling tears in her eyes again. She genuinely did wish they could kidnap her. She wished they could kidnap her and she would never have to go back to David again. She wished she could go up to her room in the house she would always call home, and curl into her old bed and sleep for days. She WANTED to go to the mall with her sisters today. She WANTED to write songs with her brother, and she WANTED to be able to be here to help with Trinity and Isaiah. She wanted a lot of things, but she would never have them. At least not at this rate.

David didn't allow any of this If he found out she was even here there would be hell to pay. She hadn't even thought, she'd been so numb. She could feel herself shiver then physically begin to shake. She needed a reprieve. She needed to be knocked senseless so she couldn't think anymore. She needed a magic pill that would make the world all better. She needed anything but this. She was torn, hopeless, useless. Worthless at this point. She'd probably be better off going home. She tried not to cry. She didn't want her family to hate her. She was so scared of them finding out. Then purging on top of that, her mind was out to get her.

She sighed heavily looking up as her family was beginning to gather in the living room, watching something on the news. Whatever it was, she was too distracted to care.

Alexz walked to her mother's side by the sink, kissing her cheek and hugging her. "I think I'm going to get going, Mom. I have a lot of stuff I need to get finished today."Alexz's mother looked up at her with a discerning look, shaking her head. "Why don't you ever come around anymore, Alexz? You used to be so happy, and you were here all the time. Now you're cold, and distant. I feel like we've rewound five years."Alexz shuddered inwardly, forcing herself to not think of her past. "M-mom-""I'm sorry, sweetheart. Its just that we all miss you. Your sisters were crying the other night listening to some of your music because we all miss you so much. We wish you were here more often. You work on your birthday, and some times you're not here for Christmas…Am I losing my daughter?" Tears brimmed Alexz's mothers eyes as she looked at her daughter, and Alexz felt herself falling part too.

"I'm sorry mom! I'm so so sorry!" Tears began spilling down her cheeks, and she couldn't stop them. She felt so stupid. She deserved to be yelled at Her family must think she didn't give a two shits of what was going on in their lives these days. After all, she was never around anymore.

David was going to be livid. She had a bad feeling he'd be there waiting when she got home today. Maybe she should spare herself and leave now.

Alexz forced herself to pull it together. If she was going to make a clean getaway, she'd have to suck it up. "I'm just going to run out to my car and get something, okay mom," Alexz asked softly. She'd only used this cop out once before, but boy had she been reamed for it.

Alexz's mother watched sadly as her daughter pulled away, something was definitely not right. This was not the daughter she knew. She'd changed, the change making her wonder, and hurt.

Alexz knew her mother knew, but she had to leave; she couldn't stay longer. The longer she stayed, the more trouble she'd be in later, she was sure of it.

She walked out the back door, walking around the side of the house to her car, trying to keep herself together. She prayed her siblings weren't dressed and outside already. She didn't want to have to make up an excuse to leave.

As she rounded the front of the house, she breathed a sigh of relief, jogging down to her car and slipping into the front seat, settling her purse next to her. She looked back up at the house for a moment, her bottom lip trembling at the fact that she had to leave, just like always. She hated leaving this house, hated leaving her family. Just once she wished she could stay, but she probably never would be able to again. Not with him.

Alexz pulled into the parking area trying her hardest not to see him standing there. She shook a little as she shut the car off. He was leaning against his little Avenger with his arms crossed and a wicked smile on his face that chilled her to the bone, she hated that look always. She looked at him and hit the lock button on her car doors, locking him out.

Alexz clenched her eyes shut, covering her ears as she heard him yelling at her from outside the car, telling her to let him in or get out of the car. She was scared to death of what he might do to her, but as long as she was in the car, he couldn't hurt her, right?

Wrong…

She felt more than heard the window on her side smash, sending shards of glass all over her and the front seat, she covered her face and threw herself sideways only to have him grab hold of her,

"What do you think you were doing Alexz? Did I say you could do that?! Huh?!" She wanted to scream but no one would do anything as many times as she'd screamed before…nothing and no one stood in his way…


End file.
